Ethan's Age

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Uncontrollable

Perhaps one of the biggest struggles I have in life, is my desire need to control pretty much everything.

Most of the time, this need rears it's head with funny things. 
  • I can't leave the car with the window wipers up. I turn it back on, make them go down, and then exit.  My reasoning?  They are more apt to break off that way.  (All my reasons will be ridiculous, bear with me.)
  • I don't go through car-washes because one time I missed the channel you have to drive in, and my car got a bit caught.  I then, once I drove away, lost a hub cap.  Obviously, this made my car look off balance.  So, the logical conclusion is that I can't drive into car washes.  I make Jon do it.  Not kidding.
  • I reorganize the fridge on almost a daily basis.  Critical points of interest are making sure items that are small are not down below (where Ethan can grab them), Jon's nalgenes are not cluttering up the top shelf, ect.  Reason?  I have to get in that damn thing multiple times a day, and I can't be shoving things around all the time. And WHY CAN'T HE JUST PUT HIS NALGENES IN ONE PLACE??
  • Speaking of Nalgenes, Jon is ALWAYS leaving them open where Ethan can get to them.  I am constantly screwing the cap on, despite me asking him to do it.  Reason?  Obviously Ethan will pull it down on himself, soak his clothes, make him cry, and make everything wet.  Also, 87% likely that the nalgene's water will also destroy at least one expensive electronic device.
  • I refill Ethan's diaper box so it's always full.  Because, nothing is worse than needing one, and it being empty.  Jon doesn't refill things, and it drives me batty.  (This refill policy applies to diapers, q-tips, bottled water, wipes, shampoo, toilet paper, etc.)
  • I never allow my car to get below a quarter of a tank.  The reasoning being that I might have an emergency, might be stuck on the freeway for god knows how long, I might be snowed in, there might be a fuel crisis, (And for a while it was because I didn't know how to pump my own gas, so I'd always have enough to make the 5 mile journey down to Oregon where they do it for me.)

All of these things are minor.  Most are talking points of amusement in my marriage.  However, last night I had to realize how deep my control issues go.

As a result of a sexual assault in 2000, I've aquired some control issues that are less humorous. 
  • I don't like people walking right behind me
  • I'm not a fan of most churches, it took me a decade to go back to one.
  • I watch people with knives VERY carefully.
  • Sneaking up on me/scaring me will result in an immediate breaking off of a friendship.
  • I'm hyper-vigilant in most situations, but extremely so in new ones.
Which brings us to last night.  The way my husband and I "recharge" is different.  I like to go out (since the home is basically my job) and he likes to stay in.  Not only does he like to stay in, but he also likes to have people over.  This kicks my control issues into overdrive.  There are SO many variables. 
  • Will Ethan be upset with new people in the house?  
  • Will our ginormous dog cause people to be on edge?  
  • Will I be able to maintain Ethan's routine while still entertaining guests?
  • What if I don't have time to clean the bathroom before they get here?
  • Are we supposed to feed them?  
  • SO MANY THINGS.
To a normal person, these things are just not a concern.  But for me, it gets me ramped into a crazy person.  So, when my husband says "hey, I'm going to have so and so over," I immediately go into triage mode.  I'm not excited, I'm not really even happy, and to be honest the first thing I try to do is find a way to be out of the house when it happens.  The CHAOS (or potential chaos, the unpredictability more-so) is so stressful.  It's ironic that the thing that relaxes my husband the most, is the one that makes me the most tense. 

I haven't learned how to deal with this completely.  However, I'm documenting this to say, I finally get it.  I understand the root of it.  I want to work on it... because adding another kiddo will mean I want more help, and there will be MORE CHAOS as a result.  If I don't figure out how to deal with this now, it will get way worse. 

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