Ethan's Age

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

This Week's Meal Plan Includes: Newborn Rack of Baby.

As time goes on, me sitting here (not pregnant) and the girls of the world there (popping out babies like tic-tacs)  I've noticed an alarming theme.  I feel as though there is a strong propensity towards endorsing a cannibalistic lifestyle. Let me es'plain.  No, there is too much, let me sum up.  (Anyone, anyone?)

Why?  You might ask?  Well, all I have to do is sign on to Facebook.  This is where I see this:

Since when do we start comparing growing zygotes or fetuses to fruit?  Everyone is now a plum, or an apple, or a lemon, or delicious honeydew melon. Makes me think of eating.  Makes me think of eating a banana.  Your baby is a banana.  Maybe I will eat your baby.




Now, don't get me wrong... if we are on a deserted island, and the only choice for survival is to eat your baby, I will.  I mean, I would be hungry for a while, and try to forage, but if there is a baby there, it might as well look like this -------->



 
Do I even need to say anything here?

Your babies have always been edible, from the minute you announced it on Facebook... Your baby has been compared to something I can eat. So, if it walks like a duck, and acts like a duck... It must be an edible baby. When the times comes where you invite me over, and I break out a fork and napkin right after you ask "Want to hold him?", you'll know that you set me up to have a great meal.  

Save the babies, save the world!  Stop promoting cannibalism, pregnant women!
 
(I think what is most disturbing is the lack of life this baby has.)

 The problem lies even deeper.  If you continue down this path, the entire human race will be extinct, as we all run around searching and sampling to find that baby with just the right flavor profile.. Not too sweet, not to savory, something with a bottom note that doesn't smell....








Sadly, though... While looking for apropos pictures for this post, I realized this "babies as food" fetish goes deeper than I thought.  Here are some of my favorite main course babies, brought to you by a website called "Crazy Costume Corner: Babies As Food".


(Don't Worry, it's "100% USDA Inspected" Baby Meat)






I'm not going to lie, I had about 10 of these babies last weekend alone.
I never thought I could use my tag of "Cooking a Baby Can't be THIS Hard" so literally.

I'd like to think that your fetus is more than a edible garnish to a lovely piece of salmon. But really, all I can think about is how delicious your baby that fruit would be in a alcoholic coolie, which (ironically enough) you couldn't enjoy if you wanted to.  Enjoy pushing out that honeydew melon honey!

So while you revel in your pregnantness, I will be here... sipping a zygote margarita, preparing for my next meal, newborn rack of baby. 

No comments:

Post a Comment