Ethan's Age

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Post-Op Appt

Today was my Post-Op Appt with Dr Awesome.  I learned some interesting things.

1.  My tubes were ALWAYS open- whomever did the HSG didn't do it well, thus skewing the results. (Which begs the question to be asked, why is it taking me so long??)
2.  Stage 1 Endometriosis was found, and burned off. Probably won't affect me for 4-5 years fertility wise.
3. Ovarian drilling will probably not make any positive difference in fertility for another 7-8 months. 
4.  I'm basically on my own now.   I'm just supposed to "try" to get pregnant for the next few months.  I was literally left with a "call me when you are pregnant." (Unless I have a weirdly long cycle with no pregnancy.)

I got a note for light duty next week so I am not put in a place where I am responsible for all the kids at work, which is nice, I can just phase in.  Sitting for a long period of time is not the most pleasant thing either though, so I'm going to bring my heat back into work,  I think.

No real news, other than another OPK+ today (so day 20 & 21.)  I'm about to take a nap, which is always glorious, then off to pick up the dog and enjoy a night home alone.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Non-Medicated Cycle

Well, this is my first non-medicated cycle without Clomid.

My husband will attest to this, I've never felt more centered in that almost 2 years I've been on the stuff.


I was worried, however, that I would not be able to ovulate on my own, and I certainly didn't expect it this cycle.  However, this morning a positive OPK stared at me, right in the face.

I have to admit, I giggled a little bit. I couldn't believe that maybe, just maybe, my body is returning to normal, able to do what it was made to do. 



The thankfulness I have for Dr Awesome to recommend having surgery this cycle has no boundries (much like the awful song* written for the finale of American Idol by Kara DioGuardi)
*Note, I may have listened to this song again, and not felt like throwing up this time.  It's not TOO bad. (At least by Adam Lambert, not Kris Allen's version *ick*)

I've been doing some research that I'm not even sure where I'm at about yet, natural childbirth.  If I had my way, I'd never ever ever have an epidural.  After a botched spinal tap in 2008, I swore that to myself.  So, at that point, do I even care about any medications?  I'm not sure.  I've been interviewing doulas, as research is very clear that their involvement in birth reduces many risk factors (see this article, which is representative of about 50 I've looked at thus far, leading me to trust the general statistics.)

Hiring a doula does not, of course, preclude the idea of birthing in a hospital.  Nor do I preclude that idea either.  I'm going to do a lot of research in the next few months.  I know that 2011 is my year to have a child and dang it if I'm not going to be as ready as I possibly can be for it.

So, tell me about your stories, did you hire a doula, how did you do your birth (or how do you hope to?)  Why did you/will you make those choices?

Much love to all of you!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

A Julia Divided Against Itself, Cannot Stand.

George Costanza has two worlds, independent George and relationship George.  In the Seinfeld episode, "The Pool Boy," George must face the reality that the two George's will inevitably collide.


GEORGE:  Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she (George's Girlfriend) is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist!
You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
JERRY: I, I love that George.
GEORGE: Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!



I, too, had this realization.  There are two Julia's, "Real Life Julia" and "Blog Julia.
It's hard sometimes (for myself as well) to differentiate Blog Julia with Real Life Julia.  However, I'm going to try right now. 

"Real Life Julia" is a deeply private person.  I've kept my recent surgery on the down low, and really not brought it up except for a small intimate group of people.  My whole battle with infertility has been also kept pretty quiet. 

"Blog Julia" is more than happy sharing details about Trying to Conceive, girly things that are not topics of casual conversation.  I don't regret sharing anything I've put out there, as it is important to have a forum where women can come and be understood, or at least heard, about these sensitive topics.

Blogging like being in a car (a topic explored in depth by Tom Vanderbilt in a book appropriately named "Traffic".)  You can BE anyone you choose to be, you can SAY what ever you want to say, but really who knows if anyone really cares if you flipped them off or if they tail your bumper?  It doesn't matter, because you will NEVER see/interact with them again. I'm a total asshole driver.  I have ZERO patience when it comes to stupid drivers.  Jon will tell you, I hate waiting for people when they are being dumb, I get ticked off when people tail me, and when drivers go 10 miles under the speed limit, virtually boxing in a police car because they are scared to get a ticket.  JUST MOVE OVER AND LET THEM BY!  (Then resume normal driving speed, at or a bit above the limit.)  But, is that me in Real Life?  (well, patience is a skill I don't have much of, so yes, that part is Real Life.)

We become someone else in different places.  To me, the internet is a "place." 

How one behaves, what they say or don't say, here in Blog Land may be totally different than the person is in Real Life.  This is the case here.  This is no doubt confusing for some who know me in real life, who also read my blog.  I admit, after a conversation with my husband this evening, it gave me pause.  I suppose it comes down to this:  Just because I am putting myself out here, in the Blog World, doesn't really mean that I'm comfortable talking about it in the Real Life.  Because of how private I am, I don't tend to bring anything I talk about here up in Real Life.  That's one of the reasons I have a blog.  People who don't know me can share in my experiences with little side effects.  People who know me in Real Life can know what's going on, if they choose to read it, and thus don't really have to ask me about it.  

I try very hard (or at least, Real Life Julia) to stand up for myself, and generally I don't have a problem with it (See the previous post about my Fred Meyer experience) but for some reason standing up and saying "hey, your questions, about why we haven't had a kid yet, are not appropriate to be asking at this time." (and in some cases, ever.)

After reflection, I find that the reason I have such a hard time standing up for myself is
it's a very personal subject.  If I am defending myself because I decided to eat and apple, there's no real emotional attachment to that decision or the topic of the apple.  I'd be more than happy to argue with you all night about why my choice to eat the apple was right for me.  However, when the topic is broached "so, is the baby-making factory closed or what?"  I'm tongue-tied.  I'm taken aback at the obviously deeply personal question being asked in a public place (often in a less-than-tactful way.)  This is not to say that I don't invite questions, but if the questions are asked where everyone can hear, this makes me feel guarded and embarrassed.  That being said, just because you ask doesn't mean I will answer.  Generally, I'll talk about it, but with a precious few I truly feel uncomfortable.

I toyed with these conflicting thoughts for most of the evening in relation to this blog.  Should I continue to put my feelings and TMI topics out there, or should I shut the blog down, effectively shutting down all venues for weird conversations?    10,000 hits in less than a year tells me that there are people reading what I have to say, relating with my feelings and experiences.  Do I shut it down for the way one person (myself) feels, sacrificing this open dialogue I've created amongst this group of elite women?   




My decision is not to shut this down, naturally.  You choose to read what I have to say, and I have plenty TO say.  Perhaps though, if you know me in Real Life, remember what Real Life Julia is like.  Deeply private.  If you have questions, maybe wait for a private moment before asking me about my journey.  Chances are, I'd love to talk about it.  :)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Weight Loss

I'm thrilled to start to feel like my body is returning to normal.  For the last year + I've been pumped full of Clomid in increasing doses during the beginning of each cycle, and this is the first cycle in that amount of time that I feel medication free (sans pain meds from surgery) and I already feel like my body is starting to go back to normal.  I've not be able to work out yet, but I'm hoping to by the end of the week beginning of next!  I'm moving to week 8 of my marathon training at that point.

Current Weight: 168.8
Goal Weight: 150
Ideal Ending Weight: 135-140

I'm going to work my ass off for the next few months to try to get to Goal weight, and scream up and down if I get to Ideal End Weight.  I will then buy lots of clothes.  And dresses.  And sexy outfits.

I know I can do this.  I can become pregnant, and I can be healthy before I do it.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Moving Forward

Today marked a new attitude for me.  For months I've been doubting that I would ever have my own child.  After hearing that there is NO reason I can't conceive now, I've spent the day looking up birth plans, prenatal yoga and birth alternatives.

I've started to ponder the idea of going a bit more natural during childbirth, I'd love to avoid epidurals, due to a horrid spinal tap experience.

Tell me about your birth plan resources!  I'd like the most comprehensive website with the most options!

I'm also thrilled to not be taking Clomid anymore!!  I've figured that Clomid has been the culprit for me not losing weight as quickly as I think I should be, so now hopefully my hard work will be realized in my body.  I'd still like to lose about 30 more pounds before getting pregnant.  I miss running, but I know I've got another week of recovery or so to be able to start my marathon training back up.  

It's great to finally be turning from 'will it' to 'when will it.'  It's a beautiful thing.

Monday, December 20, 2010

A couple of days later

My surgery scars are healing, and I still am hurting a bit more than severe cramps.  I'm thankful for the medication to take the edge off.

I got a call from Nurse Awesome to check in today, and she confirmed that the paths from both ovaries are clear now!

I'm going a bit stir crazy for now, but I'm doing my best to not move around too much and really use this two weeks to recover.   

In other news, we will most likely be reaching 10,000 hits on this website!  Thank you readers!  remember, comments are love, and I love to hear from you all!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Surgery

Well, yesterday was my surgery.  To recap, I was having a laproscopic procedure to determine why one of my fallopian tubes was blocked, and have it repaired.

I was stressed all of Thursday night with anticipation.   I was worried that I'd wake up in the middle of it or wake up at the end feeling immense pain.  I was able to load up on Benedryl and knocked out for sleep around 10 am.

I woke up about 4:30 and waited for Jon to get out of the shower and then hopped in myself.  We were ready to go by about 5:15 and arrived at the hospital around 5:45 or so.  We got all checked in, I got my bracelet and by GPS tracking device.  This device was so they could track my progress through the pre-op, op, post op and recovery rooms.  (Also so they had another tool to not mix me up with other people.)  Jon was still with me in the pre-op room, but then he had to go to drop off the dog.

I got dressed in this huge purple gown and non-slip socks.  They started an IV and got some fluids in me.  I met each nurse that was going to be there, and my anesthesiologist.  Dr Awesome came in to check in with me (and did the obligatory "who are you, what are you getting done?"  I joked with her that she was supposed to remove my right leg.  She laughed, thankfully.  I told her that I was super anxious, and she asked if I thought I made the right decision, to which I said that I did.  She said that people who feel confident do much better, but she would be there the whole time.

Jon made it back before I went into surgery, and I felt so much better knowing he was there.  My anesthesiologist came back in ask asked if there were any more questions, because I'd not remember anything in the next couple of minutes.  He put some sort of drug in my IV then left.  I was wheeled into the O.R, and the last thing I remember was saying hello to everyone, and then Dr Awesome holding my hand, which was very comforting.

After the operation, they wheeled be over to the Post-Op room which I don't remember too much.  I got some ice chips, and water and pain medication, but that's really all I remember.

I then woke up in the recovery room.  I was in pain, and got a couple of rounds of IV medication, then switched over to pills.  After an hour or so I got up to go to the bathroom and settled back into bed.  Then Jon was able to come back,  and Jon mentioned that he had talked with Dr Awesome and that everything went well.

They found endometriosis around my ovary and tube, which she burned away.  They also drilled my ovary to release the build up from excess androgen.   She told Jon that there was no reason now that I couldn't get pregnant now.  They only had to use two incisions, one in my belly button and one in my lower abdomen. 

I got home around 3 or so Friday afternoon, about 7 hours after the operation.  Getting in and out of the car hurt.  It surprised me the most that my throat really hurt to eat.  I had a breathing tube during surgery and it caused my throat to swell.  I napped a bit on friday afternoon and took more pain medication and went to bed. 

This morning I hurt a lot more than yesterday, because all the IV pain medications had worn off.  Getting up out of bed or chairs is very painful, and I can't get anything off the floor if I drop something.  Jon has been wonderful, guarding me from the dog and getting lunches for me.  Today he made a special trip for a hot pad, which is helping a whole lot with the aching.

I'm thankful that I have two weeks to recover.  I'm moving very slowly, and don't want to rush it.  It's all over now, which I'm very thankful for.  This is a much more permanent solution than Clomid, and hopefully I won't actually need to take that any more anyway!

On a fun note, my wish of having a few "inside" pictures came true!    I have 4 or 5 photos of what they did, which is pretty neat... when do you get to see your innards?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Fred Meyer Doesn't Know How I Support Them Financially By Buying Pregnancy Tests!!!!




I'm not going to lie, after the boycott of Target for this donation, we started to purchase items more at Fred Meyer.  (Also not going to lie, we also just like it because it's super close to our house.)




So far, Fred Meyer has done right by us.  Until a couple of nights ago.  I went to purchase a round of pregnancy tests, as I was 14 DPO and getting ready for my pre-op appt.  I placed the pregnancy tests on the belt, and waited my turn, sandwiched between 2 guys buying typical manly items like beer, pickles and blocks of cured meat.

I don't really care about what I buy at the store, so I didn't really think about it.


I got up to the front and the woman (who like like 10 years older than me) starts bagging my item.

Then she says (in a loud voice):

"Looks like someone is going to get good or bad news tonight!"







*DOUBLE TAKE* Checker says WHAT?





No joke.  I was completely floored that this would be said.  Heaven forbid I bought condoms or perhaps purchased beer while I was 8 months pregnant?







Though this was reminiscent of this interaction at work,  I kept my cool, remembered her name and went home.  I called up Fred Meyer and asked for a manager and let fly. 

So, if you are ever at the Tualatin Fred Meyer here in Oregon and you get a checker named Alana, be sure to make sure you are not buying anything but Q-Tips and cheddar cheese (the least controversial of the cheeses.)  If you are buying anything that requires you to be a certain age, or to be sexually active to use it, run away.  Either that, or come up with an awesome sob story and burst into tears.

Better yet, avoid Fred Meyer.

Next time, I will make a scene.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Panic

Panic has set in.

I've been having moments of panic attack and nausea thinking about the upcoming surgery.  I'm seriously considering asking for a couple valiums to calm me later in the week.

Marathon training is still happening, and I'm working my butt off to get myself into a place where I can pick the running back up after the surgery (probably not for a week or 2.)  I'm now running 2 miles comfortably in 25 minutes.  I could probably bump it up a couple of mph points, but nothing super major because speed isn't worth getting hurt or not being able to finish a run.


I just keep thinking about the surgery though, trying hard to keep myself centered and realistic.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Pre-Op Appt

I had my pre-op appts today where I met with both the hospital and Dr Awesome.  I was able to ask a bunch of questions and be able to get some peace of mind about the whole thing.

So here's what's happening:
  • 2 hour laproscopic procedure
    • 6 hour hospital stay, assuming that everything goes well
  • depending on what she finds
    • lasers to repair scarring or other malformations
    • un twisting of the blocked tube
    • HSG-Like dye checks prior and after
  • Breathing tube
    • This is what really scares me, to be honest

I'm taking 2 weeks off to recover, and people generally need at most that time.  They asked me about my medical history and all of that.

I was nervous bringing in my sexual assault history to the table, but Dr Awesome said that I could meet everyone and she would be there the entire time.   Obviously, it's not about the people there and that I think they were going to do something... it is the loss of control.

I'm nervous, I'm scared.  I'm trying to hide it, but today when Dr Awesome was listening to my heart she said it was racing and I wasn't really hiding it well.  She had me hold my breath a few times to get it back under control, and took the time to meet with me for longer than she needed to make sure that I was comfortable.  I know she will do right by me, she has so far.

Jon has the day off, and will be there the whole time.  I am thankful he will be right there in case anything goes wrong and when I get moved to a recovery room.

I have my mom bring over lunch twice after surgery, and I have a couple of friends scheduled to come by during that time as well.  I borrowed my staff's entire Harry Potter series of books, so hopefully I can work through those too.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Nervous Much?

My life, in bullet points:
  • I'm starting to get nervous about my upcoming surgery.
    Unconciousness realllllllly freaks me out
  • Vivid, Vivid dreams last night again (about 4 nights in a row.)  This one was about spiders.  This is common from me, as Jon has told me I've sleeptalked or woken up talking about how many spiders there are crawling around in the bed or on the bed post.  I apparently have a deep fear or obsession of spiders.
  • Interesting things on the horizon regarding employment.  I have some feelers out there.
  • Running up a storm, with the exception of last night's run. 
  • Started reading the Harry Potter books.  Never have, except the first one when I visited someone in Florida who had it.  This will keep me busy through my surgery boredom.
  • Starting a "lunch" list.  I figure for that first week I'm not going to be up to making lunch or going and getting any.  Anyone local want to stop by?
That's all folks!  Stay tuned for more interesting things!