Ethan's Age

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Battling with my inner self

I consider myself to be a good person.  I went through a huge rebellious phase back in my late teens and early twenties, reacting to the ever shifting winds of my family dynamics and typical teenage angst.  In the past 7-8 years I've pulled myself up to good moral standing, graduated college, started my masters degree, got a good job where I am doing what I love.  So, when feelings like last night rear their ugly head, it takes me by surprise.  I hope by acknowledging them here, I am able to process these feelings and maybe help explain them without appearing to be as horrible of a person that I feel I am.

One year, 8 months, 1 week and 3 days ago, Jon and I made the decision to start a family.  We've been trying ever since.  In the meantime, 4 close friends have gotten pregnant and have either had their child, or are just finishing out they are expecting. 

I'm in a glass cage of emotions about this.  I spent a while in tears last night about it too.

On one hand, I am THRILLED for people who are able to start their families.  On the other, I wonder if/when it will ever happen to me.

Last night, yet another friend announced she was expecting, after just a couple of months trying.  How does this happen?  How does the Universe balance things out? 

I feel like expressing these feelings makes me a bad person, and I'd never want to be a downer on others.  So, I leave you with this.  I'm happy to move people on my google reader from "infertility" to "kids,"  I just wish I could move my own blog there too.