Ethan's Age

Monday, August 16, 2010

And now for something completely different.

So, now that we've moved together through the drama and out the other side, I can return you to your regularly scheduled program.

I'd like to think that I am one of those girls who can wait 2 weeks past ovulation to start HPTesting.  I'm not.  In fact, I've spent WAY more time than I'd like to admit checking out various websites to see how early I can start.  (Not that it really influences me testing, oh, 3 days after Ovulation)

Consensus says, 7-9 days is the earliest you could possibly see any results on a HPT.  This is when implantation occurs, and after implantation occurs is when HcG hormone is created. now, if that were all, I could keep it at that.. however Fertility Friend (a resource that I think ALL TTC people should be a part of) has some pictures of 6 DPO HPT+.  Thus, testing has commenced.  Not that I *really* expect anything close to accurate.  But, just in case.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Privacy Setting Update

I've received close to 100 emails about the idea that I will be privatizing my blog.  What I didn't realize is that it would be restricted from your google readers, and thus, most of you wouldn't get updates when I post.  This isn't OK for me.

Initially, it was to keep my blog from becoming fodder in the world of my personal life.  However, after further reflection, I realized that I started the blog to be open, honest and blunt about issues that face infertile women. These issues aren't pretty.  They aren't clear cut, or pretty but they need to be discussed.  What struck me was how many people emailed me to share stories about  their own struggles with the roles of friends, family, or other people as it pertains to their future children.

The past few days events have me torn.  Do I continue to expose my feelings and worry about being attacked for it, or do I shrink away in fear of what others might say.  I've never lived my life questioning the way I feel, and so I have decided to keep this blog public.

The one statement I'd like to provide, and then I would like to move past this present issue is this.  If you don't want to read what I am writing, don't.  You may not like what I have to say, but regardless, this blog is based on my feelings, my experiences and my truths.  Will they always line up with your feelings, your experiences, or your truths?  No, they won't.  But that doesn't make all of those things invalid or incorrect for me. 

I received a thought out email from the anonymous commenter explaining what prompted their comment.  Though I disagree with the way it was stated, I have to move forward.  One thing I would like to make clear is this;  Positive thinking is a wonderful tool.  As stated in the email from the commenter "positive thoughts can't hurt."  I totally agree, and this is what has carried me through the past year and a half of this struggle to conceive.  However, positive thinking just isn't enough most of the time.  Medical intervention, time, and patience are key factors in conceiving, whether you struggle with infertility or not. 

I would also like to mention, that my life is more wonderful, more beautiful, and more happy than I could ever imagine.  I do not deserve any pity, as my life can't possibly get any better.  This infertility is a bump in the road, but the road still leads to amazing places. 

I responded to the comment with a blog post, but I felt as though my post was unacceptable to put out there, so I deleted it.  The comment was made in the heat of the moment, and lord knows I've done my far share of "heat of the moment things."  I am not a negative person, so I will be moving forward.  My original solution of requiring people to "sign in" when leaving a comment still stands.  I will also be deleting any comments that I feel will negatively affect my readers.  If you would like to have a conversation, in case of a disagreement with what I have said, please email me at prettymuchjulia@gmail.com.  I would be more than happy to engage in civil discussions.

I have not regretted one thing I've shared on this blog.  The pain of infertility, the actual pain of the HSG procedure.  The comical relief of Clomid Side Effects, whether to take my socks off, the devastation when I take yet another pregnancy test and it comes back negative. The struggles of growing up and deciding what is right for me, my husband, and our future family.  The raw emotion that has been poured out on this blog. The relationship with the most wonderful human being I could ever ask to be my husband, the support of my mother, my in-laws and my friends.  And your support. 

Thank you for showing me how much you care.  Many of you I know in the real world, and you all know what my character is like, and you know that I will do anything to support any of you.  For those of you whom I will never meet, thank you for sharing a few minutes in your day to laugh or cry with me.  Your support means more to me than you will ever know.

A friend of mine once sent me a poignant reminder of what is important.  "Friends are the family you chose for yourself."  Thank you, for being my family.  I am blessed beyond belief, and this event proved it.

Thank you.

Much love,
Julia and Jon

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Moving Forward

So, as many of you know, last month was a bust (but in all fairness, it was the first month that I even had a chance.)  Though I'm disappointed, it is tempered with the idea that it is possible now to get pregnant. 

I feel like a horrible person sometimes, when I read people's blogs who have moved from infertility to pregnancy (or even people who got pregnant right away) complaining about how they feel.  Part of me wants to scream "I WANT TO FEEL CRAPPY TOO!"  I try so hard to draw that back from my mind and really feel happy for these people, and so far I've met with mixed success. 

My friend who also struggled with infertility had her baby this weekend.  It's really the first time I've held a newborn, and the first time in more than a year and a half that I've held a baby at all.  I just felt as though I'd never have one, and the idea of hold someone else's was hard for me.  I've also avoided friends who had babies or who were pregnant.  (one friend I've not seen in a year because of it, but I was at least honest with her about why.

Something happened when I held this baby.  I realized that I was supposed to be a mother, and this is a great opportunity to be around a baby to learn more about them.  I would have stolen this one if I had a chance, but I think my friend would have noticed.  (And I was asked to show my purse on the way out to make sure I didn't steal a baby, thankfully I didn't.  I would have been busted.) 

It's hard at times, because when I meet up with the in-laws sometimes they talk about how excited they are to be grandparents (and they will be great ones!) and part of my heart sinks a bit.  I'm not sure if they understand how hard this is for me to walk through, alone.  Jon is here, but it's not quite the same, and he is so loving and understanding.  (Especially with my hot flashes, frigid bedrooms because of it, and huge mood swings.  Also, this past couple of months I've had debilitating cramping right around Ovulation and also about a week before hand.)  However loving he is, I'm not sure he can fully understand what I'm going through. 

I've also been forced to examine what role my father will have in this future child's life.  As time has gone on, I've felt very settled and my heart is finally at peace with this lack of communication that has developed between us.  The one thing that kept me from accepting in the past this is the fact that he might not exactly know what he has done to cause this lack of communication... however, with a recent visit from an uncle, he told me what my father had said, and at least the main details were very clear to my father (though my father shouldn't have shared them with my uncle AT ALL, due to the intensely personal nature of why we don't speak anymore.) 

I just don't know if I trust him.  He's kept a lot of things from me, and he also has blatantly rejected me from his home when I was going through a very tough time and acting out because of it.  He grabbed onto a loophole which allowed him not to provide child support and not continue with me on his insurance. (Which we didn't find out until I was trying to register for my wisdom teeth extraction.)  My mother worked 4 jobs to help me get through college, scrimping and saving at every turn, stressing about how to make it from month to month.  Since my mid-teen years, I've felt like an afterthought to him, an inconvenience, and he is the parent.  He needed to initiate the relationship building, where I've always done this.  Since deciding not to, our relationship has gone down to nothing more than random texts on my birthday. 

I've constantly felt unwanted and my feelings have been dismissed.  If I can't trust him with myself, surely I couldn't trust him with a baby.  What I struggle with is continuing the pattern of lack of father roles in my family.  His father also rejected their family.  Ironically, my father has tried to keep me from contact with his father because he doesn't want me to get hurt.  Ironic, as he is doing the same thing, being hurtful to his daughter.  One of the examples of this was detailed in passing as my father put up a picture of a Nascar race he went to stating "great to spend time with my sons."    He doesn't have sons.  He has a stepson, and a son in law.  He DOES have a daughter that he has neglected for years.

So, do I continue this cycle?  I think out of self preservation to protect myself and my husband and my future children it is warranted.  When they are grown, and are able to ask about their grandfather, I will not keep them from contacting him, but will not encourage it either.  They will know all the details and they will need to decide what's right for them.

For any of you still with me, thank you for reading.  I suppose this has always wanted to be said on my blog, so there it is.  Moving forward.

So, I'm firmly in the 2 week wait this time.  I've decided to wait to share any possible pregnancy test results from here until I have a FOR SURE answer.  I will update you with that detail when I'm ready to share it.  You'll hear from me if it's a for sure negative... but the more I think about it, the more I really want to wait to share any news until I'm firmly in the end of the 1st trimester.  I also have family reading this blog, and it would be horrible for them to find out here, rather than from me. 

Congrats to all of you that I've needed to move over from the "Infertility" Tab to my "Kids" tab on my Google Reader!  Though I wish I was joining you, I'm thrilled for each any every one of you.