Ethan's Age

Sunday, December 26, 2010

A Julia Divided Against Itself, Cannot Stand.

George Costanza has two worlds, independent George and relationship George.  In the Seinfeld episode, "The Pool Boy," George must face the reality that the two George's will inevitably collide.

GEORGE:  Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she (George's Girlfriend) is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist!
You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
JERRY: I, I love that George.
GEORGE: Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!

I, too, had this realization.  There are two Julia's, "Real Life Julia" and "Blog Julia.
It's hard sometimes (for myself as well) to differentiate Blog Julia with Real Life Julia.  However, I'm going to try right now. 

"Real Life Julia" is a deeply private person.  I've kept my recent surgery on the down low, and really not brought it up except for a small intimate group of people.  My whole battle with infertility has been also kept pretty quiet. 

"Blog Julia" is more than happy sharing details about Trying to Conceive, girly things that are not topics of casual conversation.  I don't regret sharing anything I've put out there, as it is important to have a forum where women can come and be understood, or at least heard, about these sensitive topics.

Blogging like being in a car (a topic explored in depth by Tom Vanderbilt in a book appropriately named "Traffic".)  You can BE anyone you choose to be, you can SAY what ever you want to say, but really who knows if anyone really cares if you flipped them off or if they tail your bumper?  It doesn't matter, because you will NEVER see/interact with them again. I'm a total asshole driver.  I have ZERO patience when it comes to stupid drivers.  Jon will tell you, I hate waiting for people when they are being dumb, I get ticked off when people tail me, and when drivers go 10 miles under the speed limit, virtually boxing in a police car because they are scared to get a ticket.  JUST MOVE OVER AND LET THEM BY!  (Then resume normal driving speed, at or a bit above the limit.)  But, is that me in Real Life?  (well, patience is a skill I don't have much of, so yes, that part is Real Life.)

We become someone else in different places.  To me, the internet is a "place." 

How one behaves, what they say or don't say, here in Blog Land may be totally different than the person is in Real Life.  This is the case here.  This is no doubt confusing for some who know me in real life, who also read my blog.  I admit, after a conversation with my husband this evening, it gave me pause.  I suppose it comes down to this:  Just because I am putting myself out here, in the Blog World, doesn't really mean that I'm comfortable talking about it in the Real Life.  Because of how private I am, I don't tend to bring anything I talk about here up in Real Life.  That's one of the reasons I have a blog.  People who don't know me can share in my experiences with little side effects.  People who know me in Real Life can know what's going on, if they choose to read it, and thus don't really have to ask me about it.  

I try very hard (or at least, Real Life Julia) to stand up for myself, and generally I don't have a problem with it (See the previous post about my Fred Meyer experience) but for some reason standing up and saying "hey, your questions, about why we haven't had a kid yet, are not appropriate to be asking at this time." (and in some cases, ever.)

After reflection, I find that the reason I have such a hard time standing up for myself is
it's a very personal subject.  If I am defending myself because I decided to eat and apple, there's no real emotional attachment to that decision or the topic of the apple.  I'd be more than happy to argue with you all night about why my choice to eat the apple was right for me.  However, when the topic is broached "so, is the baby-making factory closed or what?"  I'm tongue-tied.  I'm taken aback at the obviously deeply personal question being asked in a public place (often in a less-than-tactful way.)  This is not to say that I don't invite questions, but if the questions are asked where everyone can hear, this makes me feel guarded and embarrassed.  That being said, just because you ask doesn't mean I will answer.  Generally, I'll talk about it, but with a precious few I truly feel uncomfortable.

I toyed with these conflicting thoughts for most of the evening in relation to this blog.  Should I continue to put my feelings and TMI topics out there, or should I shut the blog down, effectively shutting down all venues for weird conversations?    10,000 hits in less than a year tells me that there are people reading what I have to say, relating with my feelings and experiences.  Do I shut it down for the way one person (myself) feels, sacrificing this open dialogue I've created amongst this group of elite women?   

My decision is not to shut this down, naturally.  You choose to read what I have to say, and I have plenty TO say.  Perhaps though, if you know me in Real Life, remember what Real Life Julia is like.  Deeply private.  If you have questions, maybe wait for a private moment before asking me about my journey.  Chances are, I'd love to talk about it.  :)

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