Ethan's Age

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Battling with my inner self

I consider myself to be a good person.  I went through a huge rebellious phase back in my late teens and early twenties, reacting to the ever shifting winds of my family dynamics and typical teenage angst.  In the past 7-8 years I've pulled myself up to good moral standing, graduated college, started my masters degree, got a good job where I am doing what I love.  So, when feelings like last night rear their ugly head, it takes me by surprise.  I hope by acknowledging them here, I am able to process these feelings and maybe help explain them without appearing to be as horrible of a person that I feel I am.

One year, 8 months, 1 week and 3 days ago, Jon and I made the decision to start a family.  We've been trying ever since.  In the meantime, 4 close friends have gotten pregnant and have either had their child, or are just finishing out they are expecting. 

I'm in a glass cage of emotions about this.  I spent a while in tears last night about it too.

On one hand, I am THRILLED for people who are able to start their families.  On the other, I wonder if/when it will ever happen to me.

Last night, yet another friend announced she was expecting, after just a couple of months trying.  How does this happen?  How does the Universe balance things out? 

I feel like expressing these feelings makes me a bad person, and I'd never want to be a downer on others.  So, I leave you with this.  I'm happy to move people on my google reader from "infertility" to "kids,"  I just wish I could move my own blog there too.


  1. I feel your pain. In some ways, I feel that all of my negative energy has forced me into a state of numbness. I can play the "so happy for you" role like a champ, but I don't ever acknowledge my true feelings.

    I certainly hope you are able to move your blog into the "kids" section soon :)

  2. UGH... I totally get it! We've been trying for 27 months with not ONE BFP! We finally realized we are the LAST of our friends to be "child free."

    We are now on a mission for more friends. I just don't relate anymore to my friends who are excited to tell be their baby rolled over! I feel bad, but I don't really care because I DONT relate!