Ethan's Age

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Moving Forward

So, as many of you know, last month was a bust (but in all fairness, it was the first month that I even had a chance.)  Though I'm disappointed, it is tempered with the idea that it is possible now to get pregnant. 

I feel like a horrible person sometimes, when I read people's blogs who have moved from infertility to pregnancy (or even people who got pregnant right away) complaining about how they feel.  Part of me wants to scream "I WANT TO FEEL CRAPPY TOO!"  I try so hard to draw that back from my mind and really feel happy for these people, and so far I've met with mixed success. 

My friend who also struggled with infertility had her baby this weekend.  It's really the first time I've held a newborn, and the first time in more than a year and a half that I've held a baby at all.  I just felt as though I'd never have one, and the idea of hold someone else's was hard for me.  I've also avoided friends who had babies or who were pregnant.  (one friend I've not seen in a year because of it, but I was at least honest with her about why.

Something happened when I held this baby.  I realized that I was supposed to be a mother, and this is a great opportunity to be around a baby to learn more about them.  I would have stolen this one if I had a chance, but I think my friend would have noticed.  (And I was asked to show my purse on the way out to make sure I didn't steal a baby, thankfully I didn't.  I would have been busted.) 

It's hard at times, because when I meet up with the in-laws sometimes they talk about how excited they are to be grandparents (and they will be great ones!) and part of my heart sinks a bit.  I'm not sure if they understand how hard this is for me to walk through, alone.  Jon is here, but it's not quite the same, and he is so loving and understanding.  (Especially with my hot flashes, frigid bedrooms because of it, and huge mood swings.  Also, this past couple of months I've had debilitating cramping right around Ovulation and also about a week before hand.)  However loving he is, I'm not sure he can fully understand what I'm going through. 

I've also been forced to examine what role my father will have in this future child's life.  As time has gone on, I've felt very settled and my heart is finally at peace with this lack of communication that has developed between us.  The one thing that kept me from accepting in the past this is the fact that he might not exactly know what he has done to cause this lack of communication... however, with a recent visit from an uncle, he told me what my father had said, and at least the main details were very clear to my father (though my father shouldn't have shared them with my uncle AT ALL, due to the intensely personal nature of why we don't speak anymore.) 

I just don't know if I trust him.  He's kept a lot of things from me, and he also has blatantly rejected me from his home when I was going through a very tough time and acting out because of it.  He grabbed onto a loophole which allowed him not to provide child support and not continue with me on his insurance. (Which we didn't find out until I was trying to register for my wisdom teeth extraction.)  My mother worked 4 jobs to help me get through college, scrimping and saving at every turn, stressing about how to make it from month to month.  Since my mid-teen years, I've felt like an afterthought to him, an inconvenience, and he is the parent.  He needed to initiate the relationship building, where I've always done this.  Since deciding not to, our relationship has gone down to nothing more than random texts on my birthday. 

I've constantly felt unwanted and my feelings have been dismissed.  If I can't trust him with myself, surely I couldn't trust him with a baby.  What I struggle with is continuing the pattern of lack of father roles in my family.  His father also rejected their family.  Ironically, my father has tried to keep me from contact with his father because he doesn't want me to get hurt.  Ironic, as he is doing the same thing, being hurtful to his daughter.  One of the examples of this was detailed in passing as my father put up a picture of a Nascar race he went to stating "great to spend time with my sons."    He doesn't have sons.  He has a stepson, and a son in law.  He DOES have a daughter that he has neglected for years.

So, do I continue this cycle?  I think out of self preservation to protect myself and my husband and my future children it is warranted.  When they are grown, and are able to ask about their grandfather, I will not keep them from contacting him, but will not encourage it either.  They will know all the details and they will need to decide what's right for them.

For any of you still with me, thank you for reading.  I suppose this has always wanted to be said on my blog, so there it is.  Moving forward.

So, I'm firmly in the 2 week wait this time.  I've decided to wait to share any possible pregnancy test results from here until I have a FOR SURE answer.  I will update you with that detail when I'm ready to share it.  You'll hear from me if it's a for sure negative... but the more I think about it, the more I really want to wait to share any news until I'm firmly in the end of the 1st trimester.  I also have family reading this blog, and it would be horrible for them to find out here, rather than from me. 

Congrats to all of you that I've needed to move over from the "Infertility" Tab to my "Kids" tab on my Google Reader!  Though I wish I was joining you, I'm thrilled for each any every one of you.

12 comments:

  1. A temper tantrum rant by a 28 year old who didn't get a birthday present. Perhaps positive and loving thoughts might lead to a good result in your child quest. I am so sorry you have such a distorted view of reality.

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  2. Julia! You are one of the most gracious people I know. I am so impressed and inspired by how you have been handling all of this. I also really appreciate your help. Even though we haven't actually seen each other in years, you are a great friend :) You're in my thoughts daily.

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  3. My only question is whether that first post was made anonymously because the poster knew it was inappropriate and was embarrassed to write such a thing, or because the poster wanted to give the false impression that more people agreed with their sentiment than actually did.

    Regardless, I find it very disappointing... especially considering the source. I am thankful, however, to know who this person really is now - it is when we think nobody is watching that we reveal our true character.

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  4. What a cruel thing to say. Maybe if you were more willing to accept the way your father treats you, and positive about it to boot, it would help you get pregnant?

    Ugh. I'm sorry you have to deal with people so mean. Wishing you luck on your wait!

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  5. @ anonymous - um, did you actually read the entry? There is nothing about not receiving birthday presents. It is about feeling fine with having minimal communication with someone who clearly has no interest in anything more - but wondering how that will affect future progeny. Get over yourself. And stop hiding - if you're going to be a jerk, have the decency to say who you are and not hide.

    Julia, this is something I struggle with myself. I can't have any contact with my family for a whole different set of reasons - and I'm also not sure that I want to have kids, or that I'll ever even be able to have a lover. But if I do, I ponder on a regular basis about what role to give my parents with regards to my child. Can I trust that they won't abuse my child in the ways they abused me? I don't know. I think it's great that you have a plan (or a potential plan?) that you feel good about.

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  6. Apparently your anonymous poster has never actually seen a temper tantrum. While one missed present does not make a pattern of behaviour, missed opportunities over years, do. Guess which one Julia was talking about in this entry?

    Just because its information you don't like, agree with, or may be potentially embarrassing, it doesn't mean the information is said with malice. And a post of this nature certainly doesn't qualify as a temper tantrum. (Hint: A tantrum usually contains more than a few 4-letter words, massive hyperbole, and lots of exclamation points!!!!!!)

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  7. @ Anonymous,
    That was a pretty negative and unkind thing to say. I'm sorry *your* view on reality is distorted and you can't see that Julia not only has positive and loving thoughts, but she actually is a positive and loving person.

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  8. I enjoyed reading your post, I too am waiting for the day that I "feel crappy" again. Well, I do now but that is brought on by progesterone (currently in 2WW also)...I hope you get that BFP at the end of your 2WW.

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  9. Julia,

    Ignore the negative people! Its no use giving them the 5 minutes of attention that they desire from you. Because they obviously cant get it from anywhere else.

    I for one am happy for you and that your body is now doing what it should I still cant wait to hear you say that you are pregnant!!! My thoughts are with you everyday! :)

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  10. Following you now...;)
    http://ifandsif.blogspot.com/
    Oh, and I hear you about the IF to pregnancy blogs. Seems like all the women are pg on the PCOS blogs I found. Jealous.

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  11. My beautiful cousin Julia - I think you're amazing and I'm proud to call you family (even if it is by steps). It takes a huge amount of courage to look a hard thing like this in the eye and then take it in stride, and that's what you've done. I continue to pray for 'success' (for lack of a better way to say it) for you guys on this journey of family and I look forward to the day when you hold your dreams in your hands. Thanks for keeping me along for the ride. xoxo

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  12. My Father is the exact same way as you described your Father and his roles in our lives. He has been in and out through all my years I can remember. I dont think our Fathers know how to connect with us as their daughters, in no way is this an excuse because all it takes is EFFORT.

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