I feel like a horrible person sometimes, when I read people's blogs who have moved from infertility to pregnancy (or even people who got pregnant right away) complaining about how they feel. Part of me wants to scream "I WANT TO FEEL CRAPPY TOO!" I try so hard to draw that back from my mind and really feel happy for these people, and so far I've met with mixed success.
My friend who also struggled with infertility had her baby this weekend. It's really the first time I've held a newborn, and the first time in more than a year and a half that I've held a baby at all. I just felt as though I'd never have one, and the idea of hold someone else's was hard for me. I've also avoided friends who had babies or who were pregnant. (one friend I've not seen in a year because of it, but I was at least honest with her about why.
It's hard at times, because when I meet up with the in-laws sometimes they talk about how excited they are to be grandparents (and they will be great ones!) and part of my heart sinks a bit. I'm not sure if they understand how hard this is for me to walk through, alone. Jon is here, but it's not quite the same, and he is so loving and understanding. (Especially with my hot flashes, frigid bedrooms because of it, and huge mood swings. Also, this past couple of months I've had debilitating cramping right around Ovulation and also about a week before hand.) However loving he is, I'm not sure he can fully understand what I'm going through.
I've also been forced to examine what role my father will have in this future child's life. As time has gone on, I've felt very settled and my heart is finally at peace with this lack of communication that has developed between us. The one thing that kept me from accepting in the past this is the fact that he might not exactly know what he has done to cause this lack of communication... however, with a recent visit from an uncle, he told me what my father had said, and at least the main details were very clear to my father (though my father shouldn't have shared them with my uncle AT ALL, due to the intensely personal nature of why we don't speak anymore.)
I just don't know if I trust him. He's kept a lot of things from me, and he also has blatantly rejected me from his home when I was going through a very tough time and acting out because of it. He grabbed onto a loophole which allowed him not to provide child support and not continue with me on his insurance. (Which we didn't find out until I was trying to register for my wisdom teeth extraction.) My mother worked 4 jobs to help me get through college, scrimping and saving at every turn, stressing about how to make it from month to month. Since my mid-teen years, I've felt like an afterthought to him, an inconvenience, and he is the parent. He needed to initiate the relationship building, where I've always done this. Since deciding not to, our relationship has gone down to nothing more than random texts on my birthday.
I've constantly felt unwanted and my feelings have been dismissed. If I can't trust him with myself, surely I couldn't trust him with a baby. What I struggle with is continuing the pattern of lack of father roles in my family. His father also rejected their family. Ironically, my father has tried to keep me from contact with his father because he doesn't want me to get hurt. Ironic, as he is doing the same thing, being hurtful to his daughter. One of the examples of this was detailed in passing as my father put up a picture of a Nascar race he went to stating "great to spend time with my sons." He doesn't have sons. He has a stepson, and a son in law. He DOES have a daughter that he has neglected for years.
So, do I continue this cycle? I think out of self preservation to protect myself and my husband and my future children it is warranted. When they are grown, and are able to ask about their grandfather, I will not keep them from contacting him, but will not encourage it either. They will know all the details and they will need to decide what's right for them.
For any of you still with me, thank you for reading. I suppose this has always wanted to be said on my blog, so there it is. Moving forward.
So, I'm firmly in the 2 week wait this time. I've decided to wait to share any possible pregnancy test results from here until I have a FOR SURE answer. I will update you with that detail when I'm ready to share it. You'll hear from me if it's a for sure negative... but the more I think about it, the more I really want to wait to share any news until I'm firmly in the end of the 1st trimester. I also have family reading this blog, and it would be horrible for them to find out here, rather than from me.
Congrats to all of you that I've needed to move over from the "Infertility" Tab to my "Kids" tab on my Google Reader! Though I wish I was joining you, I'm thrilled for each any every one of you.