Ethan's Age

Friday, April 30, 2010

Who is This Poster Anyway?

I thought it would be fun to kinda say "Hi" with a Vlog (Video Blog.)

So, now you can put a face/personality with the post-er.


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I'm Okay.

I had my second internal ultrasound this afternoon after an incredibly stressful morning at work. I learned a lot from it, and there are some big risks and interesting information that was presented.

1. If I try this month for a pregnancy (which will NOT be IUI eligible) I could have an entropic pregnancy. This equals emergency surgery.

2. If the Clomid doesn't kick my other ovary into gear, I will have to explore other options. This equals exploratory surgery.

There are some other things I'm sitting on for now, but please continue to send good vibes out there. I am taking a mental health day tomorrow at least, or I will go postal at work. Nobody wants that.

I love you all.

Deep Breath

So, yesterday was hard. It's very hard for me to face the real possibility of not being able to have children. But, brave face woke up this morning. (Until my mother called, and I had to force myself out of my cave of self-imposed ignorance.)

Last night, my loving husband placated my need for aggression and agreed to play racquetball with me, despite the fact that his back was seriously tweeked out. It was really nice to be violent with something and get all that angst out.

I left work early because I was sitting at my desk in tears. My co-workers don't really know what is going on right now, and several of them are far too nosy for my liking, so I've kept this information to just the baby blog, jon and to some extent, my supervisor.

I got a OPK+ this morning, which wasn't accompanied by the *YAY* that it should have, because I wonder if it even matters. I picked up the phone and made an appt for the internal ultrasound for this afternoon.

The friends circle I have, god bless them, are childless and unmarried, or married with chidren coming out of them like bunnies and I feel a bit alone. Even last night, when sharing this information, I was told that I was "Still young." Yes. I'm still young. But I'm still infertile.
So, I want to take the time to recognize you, the reader who may or may not know me. I've received beautiful comments and emails of support and love. I've been overwhelmed with the caring I've found in this circle of strangers. Your encouragement, information, and support have caused a huge burden to be lifted from my shoulders. Thank you for walking with me.

I will be updating later this afternoon when more information becomes available.

Monday, April 26, 2010

With One Phone Call, Life Changes Forever.

Emotionally, I've been gearing up for the IUI.

My heart is excited, I'm ready to go, and very hopeful.

Until this afternoon.

***You have 1 new message: "Hey, Julia, it's Nurse Awesome from Dr Awesome's office. I need to talk with you when you have a moment to discuss what the plan is going to be for this month. Please give me a call at Dr Awesome's office as soon as possible."

I think, sure! No problem! They probably want an update!

Me: "Hey Nurse Awesome, this is Julia calling you back!"
NA (Nurse Awesome): "Hey Julia. I wanted to talk with you about your test results."
Me: "Excellent, let's do that. What I know is that I'm supposed to give you a call when I get a OPK+ and we are going to do the IUI."

NA: "No."
Me: "No?"
NA: "Well, Dr. Awesome looked over your HSG and noticed that you have a blocked tube. Did you know that?"
Me: Yes, but this is the month that is from the non-blocked tube, being that it is a normal length month, I have a jump in BBT and many other signs that I am ovulating!"
NA: "Well, you might be ovulating, but if you are ovulating on this side, it's not going to make it down to where it can get fertilized."
Me: "Wait. So let me get this straight. We can't do an IUI because you don't have a tube that works."
NA: "We will check you when you get an OPK+ to see if the other side can produce, but we aren't sure."
Me: "But, this is the month that is supposed to be normal length and ovulating. I never get a OPK+ on the other months, I don't get a rise in temp, or any other sign."
NA: "Well, this could mean that you don't ovulate from that side."
Me: "I know!"
NA: "We are going to do another internal ultrasound when you get an OPK+ to see if the other side can produce. We can also try next month trying some other drugs that can help you ovulate form that side. But, for right now, if this side is the only one that is producing this month, there is no reason to do an IUI."

So. Basically, this is the story.

I have a very strong potential to never be able to have children.


I've had some posts in the past that have been down in mood, but this one is about as low as it can go. I'm having to face the possibility of never being able to have children.

This wrecks me.

My husband has been as supportive as he can be, and he would love to have children, but knows how much this means to me. The other thing that I am frustrated with is why didn't anyone notice this earlier? Why toy with my emotions by not ordering needed tests, like internal ultrasounds after starting Clomid, to make sure things were working correctly?

I'm mad. I'm mad at Dr. Awful, pissed off that I had to go through the ups and downs of thinking I could conceive and never actually being able to, I'm mad that tests weren't done correctly and sometimes weren't done at all. I'm just mad.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I'm Out There, And Loving Every Minute of It!

It's interesting to see the difference in one generation to another about blogging.

My mother, bless her soul, is still on dial up (26.6K) and doesn't really understand why I blog about things that are so personal. I tried to explain to her why it is so important, but I don't think she fully understood.

My reasons are as follows:

1. I think that blogging about infertility is crucial.
I know that I find comfort in hearing about other people, and not feeling so alone in my journey. By putting my blog out there, I am giving a nod to the people who continuously update and uplift me.

2. I learn about a lot of new medical treatments and medications.
Though I'd never take full medical advice from fellow bloggers (sorry, you aren't my doctors!) I've learned about new medications that I might be able to try, adverse affects to various medical procedures I've needed to try... and much more.

3. My own sense of well being.
My husband can often find me frustrating because I internalize my feelings until I fully understand them. By putting my thoughts here, I'm able to articulate how I feel.

So, my mother says I should be so "out there" in the internet world, but for my own sanity, and hopefully yours, I will continue to put my thoughts into the series of tubes that is the internet. I realize that whatever I put out here could be read by anyone. My hopes are that the people who need to read that they aren't alone can find me.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Holy Leaping Follicles Batman!

I can't overstate how marvelous it is to have a doctor that actually knows what she is talking about, and has a great bedside manner. Nurse Awesome was also in, and remembered me and asked appropriate questions (this seems like a given, but let me tell you... it's not.)

It's enormously awkward when one has an internal ultrasound, and I always worry about small talk. Do you talk? Do you let them do their business? Is their silence indicative of a discovery of a lab rat in my uterus? Are my feet up far enough in the stirrups? But, alas, discussion of my future weekend was the topic of the day, and we chatted wonderfully about how I work for a camp, and would be working at a recruitment fair this weekend. I tried to pretend that I wasn't really where I was, but with the cool cool breeze and the funny feelings going on, it was impossible to do.

Regardless, 'Dr Awesome' continues to be amazing. She showed me pictures of my ovaries and explained what the follicle size meant, and how it was right on track for a day 20 ovulation party! I'm now at 14mm, and ovulation is impending. The thought was that I might be able to get a HCG shot today, but since I still need a bit of cooking time, per-say.

So, the fun conversation then started after that. It went something like this:
Dr Awesome: "So, this is interesting." (This are 4 words that should NEVER come out of the mouth of a doctor while examining someone. Especially in... well, this way.)
Me: "uh, what is?" (*Thinking, HOLY CRAP, do I have a squirrel in my fallopian tubes? What is it? I can take it! Tell me!!*)
Dr Awesome: "Well, you have two mature follicles. This could mean that you might actually be able to fertilize twins. Do you have twins in your family?"
Me: "Uh... not sure?" (Secretly, I am STOKED. I'd LOVE to have twins. I'd have child birth once, get it over with, and be done with it. Jon, on the other hand, would freak out. I mean FREAK OUT.)
Dr Awesome: "Well, check into that. Your odds of having multiples are much higher when you take fertility medication. Are you going to be ok with that?"
Me: "absolutely."

So, IUI is still scheduled tentatively for middle of next week. I will be taking the day off to recover. Can any of my blog peeps (aka bleeps, as coined by kate over at Busted Plumbing) tell me about their IUI experiences?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Infertility Ettiquete

Infertility Etiquette
(Thanks to 'Miracle in the Making' for posting this! Make sure to visit her at her blog!)
By Vita Alligood

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn’t coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user’s moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures (10's of thousands of dollars), depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don’t know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don’t Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she “relaxed.” Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of “relaxing” are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as “infertile” until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year.

This year weeds out the people who aren’t infertile but just need to “relax.” Those that remain are truly infertile.Comments such as “just relax” or “try going on a cruise” create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, “If you just relaxed on a cruise . . .” Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don’t Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone’s life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.Comments like, “Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.,” do not offer comfort.

Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn’t tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father’s Day or Mother’s Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn’t even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don’t tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the “worst” thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the “worst” thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the “worst” thing that could happen.

People wouldn’t dream of telling someone whose parent just died, “It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead.” Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don’t tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, “Maybe God doesn’t intend for you to be a mother.” How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don’t you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn’t he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren’t religious, the “maybe it’s not meant to be” comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don’t Ask Why They Aren’t Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man’s sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, “Why don’t you just try IVF?” in the same casual tone they would use to ask, “Why don’t you try shopping at another store?”There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.

IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the “sure thing” rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

IVF is Physically Taxing
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.

IVF Raises Ethical Issues
Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.

Don’t Offer Unsolicited Opinions
If They Are Trying IVF On the flip side of the coin, don’t offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don’t muddy the waters.

IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don’t yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can’t offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don’t Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor’s care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren’t able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive.

Here are a few of them:
Blocked fallopian tubes
Low hormone levels
Low “normal form” sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an “expert” on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to “play doctor” with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don’t Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don’t make crude jokes about your friend’s vulnerable position. Crude comments like “I’ll donate the sperm” or “Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination” are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don’t put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, “I’d gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby.” When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, “I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes.”

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends’ new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend’s emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can’t bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn’t rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don’t Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don’t follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn’t ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let’s face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to “dream” about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don’t Gossip About Your Friend’s Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband’s sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend’s privacy, and don’t share any information that your friend hasn’t authorized.

Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a “stranger’s baby,” they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy’s eyes and Mommy’s nose.

Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, “Why do you want to adopt a baby?” Instead, the question was, “Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?” Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn’t her “own,” then adoption isn’t the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, “Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.”) However, “pushing” the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say “I am giving you this baby,” there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn’t your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren’t going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother’s Day
With all of the activity on Mother’s Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother’s Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother’s Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother’s Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven’t “forgotten” them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don’t encourage them to try again, and don’t discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don’t try to open that chapter again.

Monday, April 19, 2010

I've become one of "those girls."

I caught myself reading a trying for a baby community where a woman was upset for not being able to conceive after 3 months.

For a split second, I became one of those girls. The girls who then secretly do the math in their own head about how long they have been trying and doing some sort of awful comparison game in my mind.

I then realized that I was one of them a few months ago... wondering if it would ever happen, and feeling a bit more hopeless than I am now.

I have an IUI coming up next week. Ultrasound and possible HCG trigger shot, depending on the follicles they see.

I am trying so hard not to become that hardened comparing person. I fail at this at times.

We are now at 1 year, 2 months, 1 week and 2 days.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Moving Forward, at last! (AND A CONTEST!)

Earlier this week, I met with a Reproductive Endocrinologist, as I was finally referred to one by my inept doctor. (Henceforth titled "RE" so I don't have to check my spelling every time I write.)

However, it took until last night for the fact that I'm actually going to have an IUI in the next couple of weeks!

The idea that this might actually work is settling in, with a grain of "be cautious of your heart." Normally not a cynical person, I've become one surrounding this issue. I generally take the premise of "don't worry about it, unless you can do something about it" but have been unable to follow my own guidelines.

The thought that I would never become a mother, of my own child, is hard to face. Yes, I want to adopt, and I'm not saying they wouldn't become "my own," but, let's face it... it's a bit different. I was hoping to have a child or two of my own before adoption, but not all doors are closed yet.

Thankfully, the IUI procedure isn't super super expensive like the IVF procedure is. At $300 a pop (ish) we could have an IUI a few times if needed. But, my stomach and my (not gonna lie) ovaries are apparently on a roller coaster the more I think about it. I'm nervous because of my negative experience of the HSG.

With frequent Facebook statuses (statui?) about baby's moving around in stomachs, bothering mothers, morning sickness, I find it hard to just be supportive. It's not that I'm not happy for them. I am. Very much so. (especially for the one or two that had to wait a while because it was hard for them.) But, with all the complaints about what it's like to be pregnant, I want to yell "AT LEAST YOU COULD GET PREGNANT! BE A BIT MORE SENSITIVE!"

But, those are their status updates. I can't complain, because their complaints are valid to them. Enter Cynicism.

Over time, I've moved my infertility blogger friends from the "Infertility" folder in my reader to the "Kids Folder." They graduate in my reader, and I wish that someday soon I too can graduate. I've even stopped reading a few blogs because of the fact that it was just too hard to read about what they were able to accomplish. I, at times, feel that this makes me a bad friend/blogger/facebook status "liker".

So, I spent one more night drinking a margarita and enjoying the fact that I can still enjoy Jon's homemade recipe for it for a bit longer. Next friday I go back the RE to get an internal ultrasound to measure follicle growth, (I think this should have been done MONTHS AGO) and set up a time for the IUI. Who knows, in two weeks, I could be booking my trip to baby town.

Ok all, thank you for following me. I reached 5,000 hits this week, and I'm thrilled! Also, if you refer someone to this site and they become a follower, I will enter you in a contest where i will be giving away a $10.00 Amazon Purchase of your choice! They must let me know who referred them for them to count towards your total! They can either follow me here, or on my Facebook Fan Page. The contest will end April 30th at 11:59.59!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

So... Julia?

This week was a co-worker's baby shower. This was the girl who got pregnant right around the time that I got my first + pregnancy test. I told her all about it, as we had both been trying for a bit, and she got lucky! (Yes, I hate her a little bit. But, I love her too!)

So, here we are, we are sitting at the baby shower with a bunch of co-workers, and up pipes L. REALLY LOUDLY



I just looked at her. You would think that with all the times that this has happened, I'd have a good response for this question. But alas... I said something like "good, I guess?" and moved on... to which she let me know that she didn't mean to embarrass me.

Yes but.

So, let's recap. Unless a woman is pushing out a child in that very moment.. do not ask if they are pregnant, if they are trying to get pregnant, how's the sex, ANY OF IT.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A Step in the Right Direction

Today I had my appointment with a RE Specialist. She was very nice, and informative. Through my many hours of research on infertility, I knew the basics of what she would provide as a next step, if she was truly an expert in the field.

Thankfully, she took us down the right road. She also was astounded to hear what my OB/GYN was saying about how I could stay on Clomid indefinitely, as well as being fertile a week AFTER OVULATION??

So, the next step is going to be an IUI. This is where I go in right on the day I see a surge on my OPK and they inject me with my hubby's washed sperm. According to her, this shouldn't be a difficult procedure. I gristled a bit when I heard the words "catheter" and "inject" but the Dr. assured me that it won't be the same as an HSG.

She also mentioned that if this didn't work, they'd be moving me over to Femara. I'm not super familiar with this medication, so I'm going to be looking into it further.

So, i have a follow up appointment for April 23rd to do an ultrasound to check my follicles and see how I'm doing "down there." (Which my inept dr should have done on the first round of clomid to see if clomid was even working.)

When she told me what we would be doing, I was like "you mean, we could do an IUI THIS MONTH?" She looked at me like I had two heads and responded with an "of course!"

Who knows, I might still be able to have a January 2011 baby!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Epic Update

Loyal readers, I salute you. You still have me on your blogroll, or as a part of my facebook blog feed, and I haven't a clue why.

The last time I posted was back in January, and now, 2 months later I've finally got the push I needed thanks to a random reader.

It's not that I have forgotten about this blog, as I surely haven't. Periodically, I look at the bookmark on my screen for "Baby Blog." Sometimes, I even click on it. And yet, posting never happens for a variety of reasons.

Excuse #1- I'm lazy.
Yes, it's true that I go in ebbs and flows when it comes to blogging. Am I really lazy? Well, ask me when I'm still in bed at noon on a saturday. Better yet, wait until 3.

Excuse #2- I manage an absurd amount of blogs.
Every one of the holds a dear spot in my heart, but some go months without updating. I'm passionate about each one, and at times I feel I shouldn't post unless the mood strikes me to be inspired.

Excuse #3- Who really cares about this blog anyway?
I can't imagine why there would be people out there who truly cared about the state of my Uterus. HSG, BFN, BFP, HPT, OPK, WTF? Acronyms up the ying yang, all about whether I have a fetus going on in there. Bun in the oven anyone? (And boy, do I have a story to tell you! Stay tuned!)

Excuse #4- No news is not good news?
As you will see in the bottom part of this post, I've discovered that having something to blog about is either because there is something awesome going on, or because the monotony and devestation of nothing happening has eaten away a part of my soul... Or maybe it's the Clomid eating away my uterus lining? Either way, it's not good.

Excuse #5- But, it would be SUCH A LONG POST!
Who really want me to re-cap an entire two months? I mean, really? I can do my best to be witty, and throw in some unnecessary anecdotes and punctuation flair... but seriously? If you've made it this far, congrats!

So, there you have it. 5 incredibly valid and awesome reasons I've not posted.

Oh, who am I kidding? They all suck, lets be honest with ourselves. I suppose, while I have my husband snoring along side me, I can tap tap tap away a wonderful update of my world. He can sleep through anything and can fall asleep in .7038973 seconds, so, I'm sure he won't mind.

Let's see... where were we back in January? Ah yes. Month #1 with progesterone. To recap, my sweet reproductive system only works every other month. My normal months are 39-41 days. My abnormal? Well, let's just say it's in the 70s. So, impatience and general irked POV sent me shuffling off to my local OB/GYN, who we found to be "wonderfully competent" (COUGH COUGH) to get some drugs to kick my womb in the ass a bit. 5 days after finishing my last dose, the waterfall was once again in motion.

We then tried our 5th cycle of Clomid. We timed it well and really had the best shot out of all the months during this last round. However, day 36 rolled around with the waterfall, despite getting up in the 90 point range on my pregnancy predictor. LAME. (At least it wasn't day fucking 39.)

Thus started our non-clomid round. We decided that since I don't seem to Ovulate during the "every other month" cycles (read: this one) we weren't going to waste our last dose of Clomid on it. So, thus began this cycle (our 8th cycle trying, keep in mind that most cycles are 40-70 days long.) We reached a milestone this last month as we have reached 1 year (1 year and 1 month at this post) of TTC. I'm now taking my second month of progesterone to finally put this cycle out of it's misery. This upcoming month is a "ovulation" month.

This journey has been very very stressful for me, the highs, the lows... the needing to rely on a sense of failure from the beginning just to emotionally survive at times. Finding the humor in timed "get-togethers" and the constant amusement I get when I analyze closely yet ANOTHER OPK. (Honey, is this darker or lighter than yesterday?) I have a "special" glass under our sink dedicated to "testing" and I frequently worry that my husband might get it in his head to use it for, I dunno, drinking out of. EW. Here's hoping that walking into the kitchen for a drink of water wins out.

I frequent some infertility forums in my internet world, and if I hear "Baby Dust" again, I might just rip the fallopian tubes out myself. (Theirs, not mine.) Baby Dust? Is this a collection of particulates on your womb, from misuse or lack of dusting? Is this like Pixie Dust, was that in Peter Pan, or am I making this up? I don't even like dust! Who really does? It gives me migraines and makes me sneeze. Why the hell would anyone wish baby dust on anyone. Baby dust also gives me a horrid vision of a ground up and dehumidified fetus. *Shiver* I find that this is a horrible trend. Linking something adorable with collections of pollen and skin fragments. Think about it, Pixie Dust, Baby Dust, Dust Bunnies, Dust Buster... well, maybe that last one is going a bit far, but you get the right idea. I think that we should revolt and start linking dust with more appropriate nouns. DustYoGabbaGabba! Dust Transformers (in 3d, horrifying!) Dust... Power Ranger! Yeah! That's what we should do! They would go out there and avenge the dust around the world.. like captain planet, but instead of saving the world, they save us from having to break out another wet wipe or swiffer dry pad for the rest of our lives. SAVE ME DUST POWER RANGER!

But I digress... Jon has been such a trooper when it comes to this journey. He "yes dear"s me when needed and doesn't complain when timing becomes more and more what rules our world. I think he even turns the other way when I spend a ridiculous amount of money on pregnancy tests, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know that day 5 past ovulation is just too soon to test, but dang it if I won't try anyway! (Dollar Tree Tests For the Win!)

In other news, I've started the ball rolling with adoption. I'm waiting to hear back from the state about when the classes will be that are required to adopt through the foster care system. We will then get everything ready for us to be accepted as adoptive parents, and wait for the right child to come along. The idea that we will have 3 irons in the fire is comforting. We are also going to be looking into IUI after then end of this next cycle if it is not successful. (+50 points for a new acronym!)

I promised you a story, and if you've made it this far, you deserve one.

So, the other day was a party for my grandfather-in-law's birthday. I get all gussied up (don't mind Julia, she just lost 30 pounds in the past 8 months or so...) and I'm looking good. I get in the car with my wonderful husband and drive over to the in-laws for dinner. Timing, is apparently a fickle bitch, as luck would have it, The GIL (Grandfather in law) and his wife were just pulling up. I'm approached by the GIL, expecting some quip about the nice weather or whatever when....

"So Julia," (Looks at my belly) "Any news, or is the baby factory closed?"


Wait. What?

So, this hits me on several levels.
1. Are you calling me fat?
2. You are my GIL. I'm not going to presenting you with a "State of the Uterus Address."
3. OMGWTFSTFU- Who even asks that? My mother even knows not to ask.
4. BABY FACTORY? Am I a prized steed born and bred just to propagate?
5. I wished I had business cards with my blog on it just for this reason. "Do you care that much? Well, hell, go read about it then. Maybe then you will understand that it's not always as easy as it seems... back in the 1950's when you had your last kid."

I'd like to tell you that I came up with one of these comments like a jane on the spot that I'd like to be, but to be honest, I was SO FLABBERGASTED, I just couldn't even speak. I think I mumbled something asinine like "Haha, no, no news. haha." while I pondered whether I'd be held accountable if I accidentally pushed him down some stairs. (*required sidebar* No, of course I'd never do that. Sheesh, who do you think I am?) (Comment must be made to the overuse of commas and complete run on sentence. Go ahead. Call the grammar police.)

Do you all remember this lady? Apparently, everyone thinks your baby dancing should be public knowledge. Well, here it is GIL and crazy work lady! Read all about it. But, be warned... an infertile gal is not liable for her flying fists. I also am continuing to assert that if/when I get preggers, NO ONE WILL TOUCH MY BELLY WITHOUT ASKING. (Save my husband.) I WILL YELL AT ANYONE WHO DOES. LOUDLY. My husband would that this opportunity to say "Don't fuck with julia. She will win. And it will be ugly." (And yet, he still argues with me. How does this happen?)

And finally, a big thank you for those of you who have been there along the way. All my readers are still being read about, and I comment when I feel I have something astute or contributory to add. Hang with me! Hopefully this update made you giggle a couple of times. If it didn't... well, go watch this.