Ethan's Age

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Post-Op Appt

Today was my Post-Op Appt with Dr Awesome.  I learned some interesting things.

1.  My tubes were ALWAYS open- whomever did the HSG didn't do it well, thus skewing the results. (Which begs the question to be asked, why is it taking me so long??)
2.  Stage 1 Endometriosis was found, and burned off. Probably won't affect me for 4-5 years fertility wise.
3. Ovarian drilling will probably not make any positive difference in fertility for another 7-8 months. 
4.  I'm basically on my own now.   I'm just supposed to "try" to get pregnant for the next few months.  I was literally left with a "call me when you are pregnant." (Unless I have a weirdly long cycle with no pregnancy.)

I got a note for light duty next week so I am not put in a place where I am responsible for all the kids at work, which is nice, I can just phase in.  Sitting for a long period of time is not the most pleasant thing either though, so I'm going to bring my heat back into work,  I think.

No real news, other than another OPK+ today (so day 20 & 21.)  I'm about to take a nap, which is always glorious, then off to pick up the dog and enjoy a night home alone.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Non-Medicated Cycle

Well, this is my first non-medicated cycle without Clomid.

My husband will attest to this, I've never felt more centered in that almost 2 years I've been on the stuff.

I was worried, however, that I would not be able to ovulate on my own, and I certainly didn't expect it this cycle.  However, this morning a positive OPK stared at me, right in the face.

I have to admit, I giggled a little bit. I couldn't believe that maybe, just maybe, my body is returning to normal, able to do what it was made to do. 

The thankfulness I have for Dr Awesome to recommend having surgery this cycle has no boundries (much like the awful song* written for the finale of American Idol by Kara DioGuardi)
*Note, I may have listened to this song again, and not felt like throwing up this time.  It's not TOO bad. (At least by Adam Lambert, not Kris Allen's version *ick*)

I've been doing some research that I'm not even sure where I'm at about yet, natural childbirth.  If I had my way, I'd never ever ever have an epidural.  After a botched spinal tap in 2008, I swore that to myself.  So, at that point, do I even care about any medications?  I'm not sure.  I've been interviewing doulas, as research is very clear that their involvement in birth reduces many risk factors (see this article, which is representative of about 50 I've looked at thus far, leading me to trust the general statistics.)

Hiring a doula does not, of course, preclude the idea of birthing in a hospital.  Nor do I preclude that idea either.  I'm going to do a lot of research in the next few months.  I know that 2011 is my year to have a child and dang it if I'm not going to be as ready as I possibly can be for it.

So, tell me about your stories, did you hire a doula, how did you do your birth (or how do you hope to?)  Why did you/will you make those choices?

Much love to all of you!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

A Julia Divided Against Itself, Cannot Stand.

George Costanza has two worlds, independent George and relationship George.  In the Seinfeld episode, "The Pool Boy," George must face the reality that the two George's will inevitably collide.

GEORGE:  Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she (George's Girlfriend) is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist!
You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
JERRY: I, I love that George.
GEORGE: Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!

I, too, had this realization.  There are two Julia's, "Real Life Julia" and "Blog Julia.
It's hard sometimes (for myself as well) to differentiate Blog Julia with Real Life Julia.  However, I'm going to try right now. 

"Real Life Julia" is a deeply private person.  I've kept my recent surgery on the down low, and really not brought it up except for a small intimate group of people.  My whole battle with infertility has been also kept pretty quiet. 

"Blog Julia" is more than happy sharing details about Trying to Conceive, girly things that are not topics of casual conversation.  I don't regret sharing anything I've put out there, as it is important to have a forum where women can come and be understood, or at least heard, about these sensitive topics.

Blogging like being in a car (a topic explored in depth by Tom Vanderbilt in a book appropriately named "Traffic".)  You can BE anyone you choose to be, you can SAY what ever you want to say, but really who knows if anyone really cares if you flipped them off or if they tail your bumper?  It doesn't matter, because you will NEVER see/interact with them again. I'm a total asshole driver.  I have ZERO patience when it comes to stupid drivers.  Jon will tell you, I hate waiting for people when they are being dumb, I get ticked off when people tail me, and when drivers go 10 miles under the speed limit, virtually boxing in a police car because they are scared to get a ticket.  JUST MOVE OVER AND LET THEM BY!  (Then resume normal driving speed, at or a bit above the limit.)  But, is that me in Real Life?  (well, patience is a skill I don't have much of, so yes, that part is Real Life.)

We become someone else in different places.  To me, the internet is a "place." 

How one behaves, what they say or don't say, here in Blog Land may be totally different than the person is in Real Life.  This is the case here.  This is no doubt confusing for some who know me in real life, who also read my blog.  I admit, after a conversation with my husband this evening, it gave me pause.  I suppose it comes down to this:  Just because I am putting myself out here, in the Blog World, doesn't really mean that I'm comfortable talking about it in the Real Life.  Because of how private I am, I don't tend to bring anything I talk about here up in Real Life.  That's one of the reasons I have a blog.  People who don't know me can share in my experiences with little side effects.  People who know me in Real Life can know what's going on, if they choose to read it, and thus don't really have to ask me about it.  

I try very hard (or at least, Real Life Julia) to stand up for myself, and generally I don't have a problem with it (See the previous post about my Fred Meyer experience) but for some reason standing up and saying "hey, your questions, about why we haven't had a kid yet, are not appropriate to be asking at this time." (and in some cases, ever.)

After reflection, I find that the reason I have such a hard time standing up for myself is
it's a very personal subject.  If I am defending myself because I decided to eat and apple, there's no real emotional attachment to that decision or the topic of the apple.  I'd be more than happy to argue with you all night about why my choice to eat the apple was right for me.  However, when the topic is broached "so, is the baby-making factory closed or what?"  I'm tongue-tied.  I'm taken aback at the obviously deeply personal question being asked in a public place (often in a less-than-tactful way.)  This is not to say that I don't invite questions, but if the questions are asked where everyone can hear, this makes me feel guarded and embarrassed.  That being said, just because you ask doesn't mean I will answer.  Generally, I'll talk about it, but with a precious few I truly feel uncomfortable.

I toyed with these conflicting thoughts for most of the evening in relation to this blog.  Should I continue to put my feelings and TMI topics out there, or should I shut the blog down, effectively shutting down all venues for weird conversations?    10,000 hits in less than a year tells me that there are people reading what I have to say, relating with my feelings and experiences.  Do I shut it down for the way one person (myself) feels, sacrificing this open dialogue I've created amongst this group of elite women?   

My decision is not to shut this down, naturally.  You choose to read what I have to say, and I have plenty TO say.  Perhaps though, if you know me in Real Life, remember what Real Life Julia is like.  Deeply private.  If you have questions, maybe wait for a private moment before asking me about my journey.  Chances are, I'd love to talk about it.  :)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Weight Loss

I'm thrilled to start to feel like my body is returning to normal.  For the last year + I've been pumped full of Clomid in increasing doses during the beginning of each cycle, and this is the first cycle in that amount of time that I feel medication free (sans pain meds from surgery) and I already feel like my body is starting to go back to normal.  I've not be able to work out yet, but I'm hoping to by the end of the week beginning of next!  I'm moving to week 8 of my marathon training at that point.

Current Weight: 168.8
Goal Weight: 150
Ideal Ending Weight: 135-140

I'm going to work my ass off for the next few months to try to get to Goal weight, and scream up and down if I get to Ideal End Weight.  I will then buy lots of clothes.  And dresses.  And sexy outfits.

I know I can do this.  I can become pregnant, and I can be healthy before I do it.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Moving Forward

Today marked a new attitude for me.  For months I've been doubting that I would ever have my own child.  After hearing that there is NO reason I can't conceive now, I've spent the day looking up birth plans, prenatal yoga and birth alternatives.

I've started to ponder the idea of going a bit more natural during childbirth, I'd love to avoid epidurals, due to a horrid spinal tap experience.

Tell me about your birth plan resources!  I'd like the most comprehensive website with the most options!

I'm also thrilled to not be taking Clomid anymore!!  I've figured that Clomid has been the culprit for me not losing weight as quickly as I think I should be, so now hopefully my hard work will be realized in my body.  I'd still like to lose about 30 more pounds before getting pregnant.  I miss running, but I know I've got another week of recovery or so to be able to start my marathon training back up.  

It's great to finally be turning from 'will it' to 'when will it.'  It's a beautiful thing.

Monday, December 20, 2010

A couple of days later

My surgery scars are healing, and I still am hurting a bit more than severe cramps.  I'm thankful for the medication to take the edge off.

I got a call from Nurse Awesome to check in today, and she confirmed that the paths from both ovaries are clear now!

I'm going a bit stir crazy for now, but I'm doing my best to not move around too much and really use this two weeks to recover.   

In other news, we will most likely be reaching 10,000 hits on this website!  Thank you readers!  remember, comments are love, and I love to hear from you all!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Surgery

Well, yesterday was my surgery.  To recap, I was having a laproscopic procedure to determine why one of my fallopian tubes was blocked, and have it repaired.

I was stressed all of Thursday night with anticipation.   I was worried that I'd wake up in the middle of it or wake up at the end feeling immense pain.  I was able to load up on Benedryl and knocked out for sleep around 10 am.

I woke up about 4:30 and waited for Jon to get out of the shower and then hopped in myself.  We were ready to go by about 5:15 and arrived at the hospital around 5:45 or so.  We got all checked in, I got my bracelet and by GPS tracking device.  This device was so they could track my progress through the pre-op, op, post op and recovery rooms.  (Also so they had another tool to not mix me up with other people.)  Jon was still with me in the pre-op room, but then he had to go to drop off the dog.

I got dressed in this huge purple gown and non-slip socks.  They started an IV and got some fluids in me.  I met each nurse that was going to be there, and my anesthesiologist.  Dr Awesome came in to check in with me (and did the obligatory "who are you, what are you getting done?"  I joked with her that she was supposed to remove my right leg.  She laughed, thankfully.  I told her that I was super anxious, and she asked if I thought I made the right decision, to which I said that I did.  She said that people who feel confident do much better, but she would be there the whole time.

Jon made it back before I went into surgery, and I felt so much better knowing he was there.  My anesthesiologist came back in ask asked if there were any more questions, because I'd not remember anything in the next couple of minutes.  He put some sort of drug in my IV then left.  I was wheeled into the O.R, and the last thing I remember was saying hello to everyone, and then Dr Awesome holding my hand, which was very comforting.

After the operation, they wheeled be over to the Post-Op room which I don't remember too much.  I got some ice chips, and water and pain medication, but that's really all I remember.

I then woke up in the recovery room.  I was in pain, and got a couple of rounds of IV medication, then switched over to pills.  After an hour or so I got up to go to the bathroom and settled back into bed.  Then Jon was able to come back,  and Jon mentioned that he had talked with Dr Awesome and that everything went well.

They found endometriosis around my ovary and tube, which she burned away.  They also drilled my ovary to release the build up from excess androgen.   She told Jon that there was no reason now that I couldn't get pregnant now.  They only had to use two incisions, one in my belly button and one in my lower abdomen. 

I got home around 3 or so Friday afternoon, about 7 hours after the operation.  Getting in and out of the car hurt.  It surprised me the most that my throat really hurt to eat.  I had a breathing tube during surgery and it caused my throat to swell.  I napped a bit on friday afternoon and took more pain medication and went to bed. 

This morning I hurt a lot more than yesterday, because all the IV pain medications had worn off.  Getting up out of bed or chairs is very painful, and I can't get anything off the floor if I drop something.  Jon has been wonderful, guarding me from the dog and getting lunches for me.  Today he made a special trip for a hot pad, which is helping a whole lot with the aching.

I'm thankful that I have two weeks to recover.  I'm moving very slowly, and don't want to rush it.  It's all over now, which I'm very thankful for.  This is a much more permanent solution than Clomid, and hopefully I won't actually need to take that any more anyway!

On a fun note, my wish of having a few "inside" pictures came true!    I have 4 or 5 photos of what they did, which is pretty neat... when do you get to see your innards?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Fred Meyer Doesn't Know How I Support Them Financially By Buying Pregnancy Tests!!!!

I'm not going to lie, after the boycott of Target for this donation, we started to purchase items more at Fred Meyer.  (Also not going to lie, we also just like it because it's super close to our house.)

So far, Fred Meyer has done right by us.  Until a couple of nights ago.  I went to purchase a round of pregnancy tests, as I was 14 DPO and getting ready for my pre-op appt.  I placed the pregnancy tests on the belt, and waited my turn, sandwiched between 2 guys buying typical manly items like beer, pickles and blocks of cured meat.

I don't really care about what I buy at the store, so I didn't really think about it.

I got up to the front and the woman (who like like 10 years older than me) starts bagging my item.

Then she says (in a loud voice):

"Looks like someone is going to get good or bad news tonight!"

*DOUBLE TAKE* Checker says WHAT?

No joke.  I was completely floored that this would be said.  Heaven forbid I bought condoms or perhaps purchased beer while I was 8 months pregnant?

Though this was reminiscent of this interaction at work,  I kept my cool, remembered her name and went home.  I called up Fred Meyer and asked for a manager and let fly. 

So, if you are ever at the Tualatin Fred Meyer here in Oregon and you get a checker named Alana, be sure to make sure you are not buying anything but Q-Tips and cheddar cheese (the least controversial of the cheeses.)  If you are buying anything that requires you to be a certain age, or to be sexually active to use it, run away.  Either that, or come up with an awesome sob story and burst into tears.

Better yet, avoid Fred Meyer.

Next time, I will make a scene.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


Panic has set in.

I've been having moments of panic attack and nausea thinking about the upcoming surgery.  I'm seriously considering asking for a couple valiums to calm me later in the week.

Marathon training is still happening, and I'm working my butt off to get myself into a place where I can pick the running back up after the surgery (probably not for a week or 2.)  I'm now running 2 miles comfortably in 25 minutes.  I could probably bump it up a couple of mph points, but nothing super major because speed isn't worth getting hurt or not being able to finish a run.

I just keep thinking about the surgery though, trying hard to keep myself centered and realistic.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Pre-Op Appt

I had my pre-op appts today where I met with both the hospital and Dr Awesome.  I was able to ask a bunch of questions and be able to get some peace of mind about the whole thing.

So here's what's happening:
  • 2 hour laproscopic procedure
    • 6 hour hospital stay, assuming that everything goes well
  • depending on what she finds
    • lasers to repair scarring or other malformations
    • un twisting of the blocked tube
    • HSG-Like dye checks prior and after
  • Breathing tube
    • This is what really scares me, to be honest

I'm taking 2 weeks off to recover, and people generally need at most that time.  They asked me about my medical history and all of that.

I was nervous bringing in my sexual assault history to the table, but Dr Awesome said that I could meet everyone and she would be there the entire time.   Obviously, it's not about the people there and that I think they were going to do something... it is the loss of control.

I'm nervous, I'm scared.  I'm trying to hide it, but today when Dr Awesome was listening to my heart she said it was racing and I wasn't really hiding it well.  She had me hold my breath a few times to get it back under control, and took the time to meet with me for longer than she needed to make sure that I was comfortable.  I know she will do right by me, she has so far.

Jon has the day off, and will be there the whole time.  I am thankful he will be right there in case anything goes wrong and when I get moved to a recovery room.

I have my mom bring over lunch twice after surgery, and I have a couple of friends scheduled to come by during that time as well.  I borrowed my staff's entire Harry Potter series of books, so hopefully I can work through those too.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Nervous Much?

My life, in bullet points:
  • I'm starting to get nervous about my upcoming surgery.
    Unconciousness realllllllly freaks me out
  • Vivid, Vivid dreams last night again (about 4 nights in a row.)  This one was about spiders.  This is common from me, as Jon has told me I've sleeptalked or woken up talking about how many spiders there are crawling around in the bed or on the bed post.  I apparently have a deep fear or obsession of spiders.
  • Interesting things on the horizon regarding employment.  I have some feelers out there.
  • Running up a storm, with the exception of last night's run. 
  • Started reading the Harry Potter books.  Never have, except the first one when I visited someone in Florida who had it.  This will keep me busy through my surgery boredom.
  • Starting a "lunch" list.  I figure for that first week I'm not going to be up to making lunch or going and getting any.  Anyone local want to stop by?
That's all folks!  Stay tuned for more interesting things!

Sunday, November 28, 2010


Yet another Thanksgiving has come and gone, sans one infant.

I was sitting in the living room of my in-laws while a few of the in-law relatives discussed the large amount of grandchildren they possessed.  I got busy with my sharp white cheddar cheese eating and examining my fingernails for perfection.

Then, the relative who isn't really known for social graces and is slightly deaf  turned to me, and YELLED "SO WHEN ARE YOU AND JON GOING TO HAVE CHILDREN?"  The room quieted, as most knew that Jon and I had been trying to conceive for several years now.

"I hate kids."  I blurted out.  " I hate being around them, I certainly wouldn't want to have one of my own!"  I was quite proud of this comment, as it was on the fly, and everyone who knew the truth.  Thankfully, the relative was none the wiser and probably thought I was a child-eater carried on with conversation with another member of the family.

WHEW!  I thought, that was great!  I totally deflected, stayed in control and made everyone sort of giggle.

The irony of all of this is this month we weren't actively trying, and yet we managed to hit the right date for conceiving.  So, of course, since we weren't trying, we will will end up pregnant this month. That is how things work for us.

In other news, I've been having very vivid surgery dreams.  I get very nervous when I fly overseas, have surgery, you know... out of the ordinary stuff....  I am hoping my dreams aren't a weird omen.

Well, about 6 more days until the testing marathon commences.  Wheee!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Ya... But what have you done in the meantime?

In the almost two years since my husband and I started trying to conceive, I've been able to do a lot of things... most of which I'd not be able to do with an infant.  So, let's recap.

Julia > Lucy in skill

1. Analyze THIS!
I started (and am currently in the middle of) my Masters in Psychology program.   The idea that I could get paid to analyze people all day thrills me to no end.  I do this anyway, why not get paid for it!  I've even started armchair diagnosing my husband.  (Who definately has  should be diagnosed by a professional as having Blood-Injection-Injury Phobia*.)

*Not an official diagnosis

Julia does not condone violence for promotional opportunities.
2.  I put my foot down at work, and basically demanded the ability to create a professional development plan for myself, since I was shut down for a promotion (and not even given an interview.)  I told my boss that the only way I could advance in the office was to kill her, and 4 other people who would be next in line seniority wise*.

...She agreed to the professional development plan.

 *totally not going to happen and any death of the before mentioned co-workers is completely accidental and not cause by this blog post.

Apparently our apartment is like a warehouse

3a.  Why, the more space to clean up, dear!
We've finally settled into our new home, with one extra bedroom, one extra bathroom and more than 60% more space. (Oh, and my HUSBAND suggested that he use the closet in the spare bedroom for his clothes, leaving me to inhabit the master closet.  What a guy!)

3b. We gained 100 pounds.  Of Dog!
We've significantly lessened the perceived space in our home with the addition of a huge 6,000 pound furball.  His name is Freuhauser. Yes, that's his real name, and NO I didn't pick it (though I agreed to it.)  My husband wanted to name our future child Freuhauser... so a dog it was.  He is a fine specimen of caninity, who loves long walks on the beach, chasing things and licking himself. and food.  and anything is food.  (Except grapes, olives and lettuce.)

"Love me?"

And yes.  He is adorable, and has horrible breath.  Much like my husband.  ZING! (*No honey, you don't have horrible breath.  Just kidding.)  (And yes, my husband made this picture card for me when I had a rough time at work.  He's adorable like that.  It's sick really... like too much cotton candy.  Well, any cotton candy really.  Or Candy Corn.  Jon is the Candy Corn of my heart.  So delicious... great in theory... but too much sweet and I will throw up.)

Candy Corn is Love.  Until you Vomit.
3c.  Total annihilation of all things nice.
Craigslist Ad: Apartments for rent with a lovely smoky flavor
Freuhauser was a puppy and he chewed on corners.  Then he teethed and chewed on everything.  (Our bed posts, our couches, our arms... our friends.)  Now he's an adult and he just* rips up our carpet.  We are convinced that the only way we can make this apartment re-rentable is total and complete destruction of the interior.  We will be calling out the Crime Scene clean-up crews for this job.   Or at least putting lots of runners through the house to try to hide the ginormous holes he has made in the carpet from the manager of the complex.  And rocks to hold the runners down with.  Big rocks.    

"I Can't Stand Commercials." 
I've managed to make sure he doesn't chew on the valuable items, such as a bench given to me by my grandparents that has been in my family for a LONG time.  (Only by putting it behind a padlocked door with pop cans on the handle so I can hear him go in.  I know he has opposable thumbs, because I've caught him in there watching Showtime.  How else could he have opened the door, grabbed the remote and selected an item from our DVR? (But he has good taste in programming, His favorite show is the secret life of a call girl.)

*And by just I mean he also poops in the house from time to time, which is lovely.  Nothing makes a long day worth while more than coming home to a stinky house and an ashamed dog.  

Now the serious!
4.  Full Fledged Marathon Training! 
Check me out.  No, not like that, you sicko!  

5.  Resigned myself to the TTC journey taking way too long. However, it's taking a good turn!  I finally got all my paperwork done for my FMLA/ESLB Medical Leave I'll be taking in December over winter break for the surgery.  I'm actually very excited for this*.
Not Really Julia's Innards
*I may have thought about asking the dr to let me have a picture of my insides.  I mean, when would you ever have the opportunity to see your organs... when you are alive anyway.  My husband is promptly throwing up after reading that last statement. However, I'm pretty sure that I'll I've got inside me are Chipotle Burritos and a full knife set from QVC that stabs me every time I run too hard.   

6.  The complete cut off of communication with a couple of family members.  
Prompted mainly by the reaction on a blog post a few months ago, I was cut out of (and did some cutting out of myself) a portion of my extended family.  I am truly sad about the way it all went down, but I feel a sense of peace about it.  
I've battled with my feelings on this issue for many years now, and though I'm not happy with the resolution, there is a sense of completion.  I've always wanted things to be nice and tidy and in boxes on a shelf, and life doesn't always deal you the cards to do so, or the ability to put something in a box without some emotional carnage.  So, with a great deal of emotional blood, guts and gray matter, it's finally done and shoved into a box.  I'm not sure how long the box will stay on the shelf, but it will not be taken down by me in the near future. 

To end on a Happy Note, I am loving life right now.  Work is challenging (and hopefully with continue to challenge me in a good way) My marriage is blissful*, my mother is great, my in-laws are the sweetest most not-crazy in-laws I've ever heard of, and I am addicted to sudoku on my ipod touch. I'm running 3-4x a week thanks to a wonderful accountability partner at work, and I'm 4 weeks into my 44 week marathon training plan!  I may also have a problem with addiction to Hyperbole and a Half.

* I have to add that while I'm writing this (at 1 in the morning, whattheheckiswrongwithyou,youhavetogetupforworkat6:15!) my husband is snoring next to me, and my dog is on his back, spread eagle and snoring himself.  How can life get better than that?

I'd also like to add that there is a Facebook fan page up and running!  If you don't have me in your reader (so you know when I update) you can add the blog there, and see my updates!  You can also give me some warm fuzzy cookies by following my blog here!  I love to know who's reading (and being that I have over 600 hits a month, I know you are out there!)
Drop me a note when you join, so I can follow your blogs too, or at least say welcome!

I love you all.  I wish you all good luck on this month's try if you are trying, or that the Oregon Ducks can go to the National Championship if you aren't trying.  Either way, everyone wins. 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

In other news..

We have decided to take a month off of trying.

Couple of reason promoted this.
1.  If we get pregnant this cycle, surgery is obviously off, but when we want to havea  second kiddo, we might have to go through the same things all over again.
2.  Our insurance situation is ideal right now for paying for this procedure.
3.  Winter Break is right when surgery happens, making my amount of work missed 2 days less than any other time.

I'm thankful for a month off from testing, from timing things out of obligation, to just keep thoughts of "am I pregnant" out of my mind for a month. 

I feel very relaxed about all of this.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Here goes nothing!

Well, I have a laproscopic procedure scheduled for December 17th, where Dr Awesome will check out my tubes (ooo lala!) and fix anything that might be going on. 

I had no idea that there were so many pre-op appts that had to happen for surgeries! 

I'm very thankful that we have met our deductible for this year, and so we are only responsible for 20% of the total cost, with a lovely benefactor being willing to pick up half of that cost. 

Jon and I have figured that now that I have the surgery scheduled, I'll end up pregnant this cycle, because that seems to be the way things work for us.  We make peace with what we are doing, and then everything falls into place.

I am very excited and VERY nervous about this surgery.  I have major issues with being unconcious and out of control.  I'm also nervous about the pain level, and whether they will need to use a breathing tube (for some really crazy reason, this idea is what scares me the most.)  I'm going to be doing some investigation into this, but my pre-op appt will answer a lot of these questions.  (But if you have any links, let me know!)

I put in my time-off requests for the 17th through winter break, and FMLA/ESLB will cover my surgery recovery time (most of it will be paid for!) 

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A New Morning

Well, today was a follow up appt with Dr Awesome.  She and I chatted for a while about where we are at and she provided me some options.

1.  Surgery to repair the blocked tube
2.  Adding another medication to the mix (primarily femara.)
3.  IUI

So, I did find out that though the surgery option isn't my favorite choice, my deductible for this year is no doubt met, and could be mostly paid for.  I also have a generous person who is willing to help me financially to have the surgery.

This option is something I'm seriously considering.  It caught me by surprise that I was as emotional as I was in her office.  I have a wonderful support system, several of whom went through this very process, but I feel so alone.  I'm tired of this process, and I need something drastic to be done.

To keep my mind off this for now, I'm focusing on my running and making a plan for the marathon this year.  Hopefully I'll not be able to do it because of pregnancy, but for now, it's kept my mind off of this for the most part.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Normally, you tune into my blog to hear the trials, tribulations and humor in my infertility journey.  However, there is a cause that is near and dear to my heart that I must share with you.

Please note, this post will be talking about sexual violence.  If this is a triggering topic for you, please do not continue.

As a survivor of a sexual assault that occurred in 2000, the issue of advocacy has been central to my life.  I've been lucky enough to have an amazing mother, husband and support system that has created a safe space for me to heal properly from this event, and the ability to use it to motivate and inspire change.  While working with children, I've run into far too many (especially teen girls) who have been assaulted in one manner or another.  The scary statistic that 1 in 6 women will be sexually assaulted in their life time is staggering.  (This stat is also based off of reported rapes, which far too many go unreported.)

For a while now, I've been writing letters to various state and national representatives regarding the backlog of rape kits, the evidence collected by a hospital immediately following an assault.  End The Backlog is partnering with Mariska Hargitay's Joyful Heart Foundation to raise attention to this important issue.

You can find all the following information at their respective websites.

What is the backlog?

With the crime of rape, a victim's body is part of the crime scene. A sexual assault evidence kit (referred to here as a "rape kit") is the collection of DNA evidence from a rape victim's body. If the victim decides to report the crime to the police, the rape kit is booked into police evidence. Not every one of these booked rape kits will get tested and they become part of what we refer to as the rape kit backlog—untested rape kits in both police storage and crime lab facilities.
We consider every untested rape kit to be a backlogged kit.
In a minority of law enforcement jurisdictions in the United States—notably New York City, Los Angeles, and the state of Illinois—policy or law requires that every rape kit booked into police evidence is sent to the crime laboratory and tested.
Unfortunately, the vast majority of law enforcement jurisdictions do not require that every rape kit be tested. Experts in the federal government estimate that there are hundreds of thousands of untested rape kits in police and crime lab storage facilities throughout the United States.

About Sexual Violence
Every year, tens of thousands of individuals report their rape to the police. Despite that figure, rape has the lowest reporting, arrest and prosecution rates of all violent crimes in the United States. The statistics around sexual violence are shocking:
  • 1 in 6 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime.
  • Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted.
  • Only 6% of rapists will ever spend a day in jail.

What is a Rape Kit?
In the United States, a sexual assault evidence collection kit is a set of items used by medical personnel for gathering and preserving a variety of evidence types and providing medical care following a sexual assault that can be used in rape investigation. The kit was developed by Louis R. Vitullo and was for many years referred to as the Vitullo kit. It is commonly referred to as a rape kit.
The contents of the kit vary from state to state, but most kits include the following items:
  • Detailed instructions for the examiner
  • Forms for documenting the procedure and evidence gathered
  • Tubes and containers for blood and urine samples
  • Paper bags for collecting clothing and other physical evidence
  • Swabs for biological evidence collection
  • A large sheet of paper on which the victim undresses to collect hairs and fibers
  • Dental floss and wooden sticks for fingernail scrapings
  • Glass slides
  • Sterile water and saline
  • Envelopes, boxes and labels for each of the various stages of the exam
The rape kit examination may take between four and six hours to complete.
When Did the Backlog Begin?
Sexual assault evidence kits were collected from victims starting in the 1970s, but DNA testing was not regularly used as evidence until the mid-1990s, after significant advancements in DNA technology. This means that very few rape kits collected before the 1990s would have been tested for DNA, although they may have been analyzed to determine the perpetrator's blood type.
Thus, ever since rape kit evidence collection exams have existed, there were likely untested rape kits sitting in police storage facilities according to common practice of the time and due to a lack of testing technology. Still, in recent audits of rape kit backlogs, investigators found untested rape kits not just from old cases, but also from new cases that occurred well after DNA evidence technology advances made such evidence valuable.

Why does the backlog exist?
In the many jurisdictions where there is no law or policy that mandates the testing of all collected rape kits, whether or not a kit is tested is based on the discretion of police or prosecutors. There are various reasons why law enforcement may decide not to request a kit for testing, including a lack of resources necessary for testing requests. Untested rape kits also represent the fact that many rape cases are closed before making it very far in the criminal justice system.
Very few rape cases make it to an investigative stage where law enforcement would request the kit for testing. In the United States, according to the latest FBI crime data, the crime of rape has a 24% arrest rate-the lowest recorded arrest rate for rape in nearly 40 years of tracking such information. This means that a rape victim has a one in five chance of seeing her perpetrator brought to justice. It also means that a rapist has a 74% chance of getting away with the crime.
Even when law enforcement does send rape kits to the crime lab for testing, those kits can sit for months and, in some cases, years, before being tested. This delay is often because crime labs lack the resources and personnel to test rape kits in a timely manner. This delay in testing also represents a rape kit backlog.

Where is the backlog? Where is it being resolved?

There are no comprehensive, national numbers on the nature and scope of the rape kit backlog. Numerous experts have estimated that there may be hundreds of thousands of untested rape kits in police and crime lab storage facilities throughout the country.

Backlogs Across the United States
The rape kit backlog exists in police and crime lab storage facilities across the country. No state or federal government entity tracks rape kit data nationally or by locality, so it is difficult to determine which states and cities have problems, and which do not. Still, media and non-governmental organization investigative reports have found rape kit backlogs in many jurisdictions across the country, including:
  • 1,100 in Albuquerque 1
  • 2,100 in Birmingham 1
  • 1,200 in Cincinnati 1
  • 5,600 in Detroit 1
  • 3,800 in Houston 1
  • 4,000 across the State of Illinois 2
  • 12,500 in Los Angeles 3
  • 16,000 in New York City (c. 2003; now eliminated) 4
  • 4,100 in Phoenix 1
  • 1,050 across the State of Rhode Island 1
  • 11,100 in San Antonio 1

Why is Rape Kit Testing Important?

  • Rape kit testing can bring justice and healing to rape survivors.
  • Testing a rape kit can identify a potential assailant, confirm a suspect's contact with a victim, corroborate the victim's account of the sexual assault and exonerate innocent defendants.
  • Rape kit testing works to move more cases through the system. National studies have shown that cases in which a rape kit was collected, tested and contained DNA evidence are more likely to result in arrests and prosecutions.
  • When New York City eliminated its rape kit backlog, its arrest rate for rape jumped from 40% to 70%. Testing its backlog resulted in over 200 prosecutions of cold cases. Los Angeles, which is currently working through its rape kit backlog, recently made, according to our interview with Police Chief Charlie Beck, two high profile arrests of serial rapists who were found from testing old rape kits that were in the backlog.
  • Rape kit testing can help bring healing to survivors. Not testing rape kits sends the message to survivors that their cases don't matter. It also sends the message to perpetrators that they can escape punishment for rape. Testing kits demonstrates a commitment to survivors to do everything possible to help them find justice and healing.


Join our efforts to ensure healing and justice to survivors of sexual violence.
LEARN MORE. Experts in the federal government, including the US Department of Justice and members of Congress, estimate there are hundreds of thousands of untested rape kits in police and crime lab storage facilities throughout the country. These kits represent lost justice for survivors. Rape kit reform requires an understanding of the scope, causes, and consequences of the rape kit backlog. Learn more by exploring this site.
JOIN US. We seek justice for survivors by working in partnership with law enforcement, advocates, lawmakers and survivors to bring attention, funding and new legislation to reduce the backlog of untested rape kits across the country. We believe that the collective energy of committed organizations and dedicated individuals will put an end to the backlog and begin to deliver a sense of healing and justice to survivors. To do so, we need your help. Sign up for our mailing list to receive updates and action alerts on ways we can make change.
SPREAD THE WORD. Share with your community. Email your friends and family, tweet it, blog it, spread the word anyway you can. Visit for helpful tool kits, tweets, buttons and other assets to share on your website, Facebook profile or blog. Help us keep this conversation going.
ADVOCATE FOR CHANGE. Sharing the news about the rape kit backlog in your community generates the kind of public concern we need our elected officials to hear. Use the advocacy tools at to contact city, state and federal lawmakers and other officials whose support is key to advancing rape kit backlog elimination legislation. Let them know that sexual violence response is a priority for you and that, as a voter, you support this type of legislation.
SUPPORT OUR EFFORTS. We can achieve our goal of ending the rape kit backlog. This important work requires the resources to sustain an advocacy presence on a national, state, and city level for years to come. Your financial support allows us to work on this issue until the problem is solved.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Battling with my inner self

I consider myself to be a good person.  I went through a huge rebellious phase back in my late teens and early twenties, reacting to the ever shifting winds of my family dynamics and typical teenage angst.  In the past 7-8 years I've pulled myself up to good moral standing, graduated college, started my masters degree, got a good job where I am doing what I love.  So, when feelings like last night rear their ugly head, it takes me by surprise.  I hope by acknowledging them here, I am able to process these feelings and maybe help explain them without appearing to be as horrible of a person that I feel I am.

One year, 8 months, 1 week and 3 days ago, Jon and I made the decision to start a family.  We've been trying ever since.  In the meantime, 4 close friends have gotten pregnant and have either had their child, or are just finishing out they are expecting. 

I'm in a glass cage of emotions about this.  I spent a while in tears last night about it too.

On one hand, I am THRILLED for people who are able to start their families.  On the other, I wonder if/when it will ever happen to me.

Last night, yet another friend announced she was expecting, after just a couple of months trying.  How does this happen?  How does the Universe balance things out? 

I feel like expressing these feelings makes me a bad person, and I'd never want to be a downer on others.  So, I leave you with this.  I'm happy to move people on my google reader from "infertility" to "kids,"  I just wish I could move my own blog there too.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Ode to my Husband

Last night, I dreamed that my husband was no longer alive.  What a horrible thought, truly heartbreaking. Thus, this post is an ode to him.

Jon and I met when I was his supervisor at a nationally known youth non-profit.  He would like you to think that he was the "assistant teen director" when in fact, he was "assistant TO the teen director."  (AKA, me.)

He and I started our relationship formally when he left that job, but we had been "accidentally showing up at the same eating establishments" for months beforehand.  In about 8 months time we were engaged, and a year and a half after meeting we were married.

He is the perfect person to be married to, and I'm not sure how I got so lucky.  He is kind, good, goofy and loving.  I know that I can tell him anything and he will not think less of me.  He will be the best dad that any child could have, and I am so thankful for him.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Good month

Hi kids!

Well, this month was planned very well, and the odds of conception are great due to the timing of things (before, during and after.)  Though I know not to get my hopes up too far, as I thought about how perfectly timed other months have been.  I think this cycle is the best chance we've had thus far.  I'm sitting firmly on DPO 4 (well, 3 until 30 minutes from now.)  I'm going to make a little game with myself that I can't test unless I do a day of Couch to 5K.  We'll see how long that lasts.

I think, however, that after this cycle, I might start advocating strongly towards the IUI route of things.  This is the 3rd month where I'm ovulating on both sides (hellllllllo mood swings and hot flashes due to the upped dose of Clomid and helllllllo cramping BIG TIME!)  so, if you figure the chances are around 25% each time, I'm getting pretty close to throwing in the towel of us trying on our own.  In the meantime, I lie here in bed next to two furnaces.  I'm married to one of them, and my dog is the other.  Not even the air conditioning can take the edge off of this heat wave.  Oy.  Suggestions?  Sleep with a cold pack?

In other news, both jobs fronts for myself and the boy are going well.   Things seem to always settle out in our favor, and if you believe in karma, what we put out in the world comes back to us.   More details about my end of that as news develops.  Though things might not work out the way they planned, they always work out.

Jesus, that sounds like a cheesy Hallmark Card.  Pardon me while I gag.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Has it really been a whole month??

Well, Julia's back after a much needed blog break.

Nothing much is new.  We are right in the middle of this month, expecting ovulation within the next day or so.

The wrench in the system is that this weekend we were down in Santa Barbara for a lovely wedding starring one of Jon's best friends from High School.  The wonderful thing about marriage is the ability to steal each others friends.  The bride was lovely, and I'm thrilled to call her a good friend.  I wish she was closer to us though!  The wedding was one of the most beautiful and fun ones I've ever been to.  The beautiful use of culture (as it was a Persian/Jewish/American wedding) made it a true celebration rather than a ceremony.  The love that these two had for each other, and the love all of us guest had for the couple was obvious. 

But, back to the point.  It will be an interesting story to tell in 9 months if this month pans out.  Both of us feel quite hopeful for this round, though that hope for me is tempered with reality as well.  The wedding really caused my desire to have children to go into overdrive.

Monday, August 16, 2010

And now for something completely different.

So, now that we've moved together through the drama and out the other side, I can return you to your regularly scheduled program.

I'd like to think that I am one of those girls who can wait 2 weeks past ovulation to start HPTesting.  I'm not.  In fact, I've spent WAY more time than I'd like to admit checking out various websites to see how early I can start.  (Not that it really influences me testing, oh, 3 days after Ovulation)

Consensus says, 7-9 days is the earliest you could possibly see any results on a HPT.  This is when implantation occurs, and after implantation occurs is when HcG hormone is created. now, if that were all, I could keep it at that.. however Fertility Friend (a resource that I think ALL TTC people should be a part of) has some pictures of 6 DPO HPT+.  Thus, testing has commenced.  Not that I *really* expect anything close to accurate.  But, just in case.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Privacy Setting Update

I've received close to 100 emails about the idea that I will be privatizing my blog.  What I didn't realize is that it would be restricted from your google readers, and thus, most of you wouldn't get updates when I post.  This isn't OK for me.

Initially, it was to keep my blog from becoming fodder in the world of my personal life.  However, after further reflection, I realized that I started the blog to be open, honest and blunt about issues that face infertile women. These issues aren't pretty.  They aren't clear cut, or pretty but they need to be discussed.  What struck me was how many people emailed me to share stories about  their own struggles with the roles of friends, family, or other people as it pertains to their future children.

The past few days events have me torn.  Do I continue to expose my feelings and worry about being attacked for it, or do I shrink away in fear of what others might say.  I've never lived my life questioning the way I feel, and so I have decided to keep this blog public.

The one statement I'd like to provide, and then I would like to move past this present issue is this.  If you don't want to read what I am writing, don't.  You may not like what I have to say, but regardless, this blog is based on my feelings, my experiences and my truths.  Will they always line up with your feelings, your experiences, or your truths?  No, they won't.  But that doesn't make all of those things invalid or incorrect for me. 

I received a thought out email from the anonymous commenter explaining what prompted their comment.  Though I disagree with the way it was stated, I have to move forward.  One thing I would like to make clear is this;  Positive thinking is a wonderful tool.  As stated in the email from the commenter "positive thoughts can't hurt."  I totally agree, and this is what has carried me through the past year and a half of this struggle to conceive.  However, positive thinking just isn't enough most of the time.  Medical intervention, time, and patience are key factors in conceiving, whether you struggle with infertility or not. 

I would also like to mention, that my life is more wonderful, more beautiful, and more happy than I could ever imagine.  I do not deserve any pity, as my life can't possibly get any better.  This infertility is a bump in the road, but the road still leads to amazing places. 

I responded to the comment with a blog post, but I felt as though my post was unacceptable to put out there, so I deleted it.  The comment was made in the heat of the moment, and lord knows I've done my far share of "heat of the moment things."  I am not a negative person, so I will be moving forward.  My original solution of requiring people to "sign in" when leaving a comment still stands.  I will also be deleting any comments that I feel will negatively affect my readers.  If you would like to have a conversation, in case of a disagreement with what I have said, please email me at  I would be more than happy to engage in civil discussions.

I have not regretted one thing I've shared on this blog.  The pain of infertility, the actual pain of the HSG procedure.  The comical relief of Clomid Side Effects, whether to take my socks off, the devastation when I take yet another pregnancy test and it comes back negative. The struggles of growing up and deciding what is right for me, my husband, and our future family.  The raw emotion that has been poured out on this blog. The relationship with the most wonderful human being I could ever ask to be my husband, the support of my mother, my in-laws and my friends.  And your support. 

Thank you for showing me how much you care.  Many of you I know in the real world, and you all know what my character is like, and you know that I will do anything to support any of you.  For those of you whom I will never meet, thank you for sharing a few minutes in your day to laugh or cry with me.  Your support means more to me than you will ever know.

A friend of mine once sent me a poignant reminder of what is important.  "Friends are the family you chose for yourself."  Thank you, for being my family.  I am blessed beyond belief, and this event proved it.

Thank you.

Much love,
Julia and Jon

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Moving Forward

So, as many of you know, last month was a bust (but in all fairness, it was the first month that I even had a chance.)  Though I'm disappointed, it is tempered with the idea that it is possible now to get pregnant. 

I feel like a horrible person sometimes, when I read people's blogs who have moved from infertility to pregnancy (or even people who got pregnant right away) complaining about how they feel.  Part of me wants to scream "I WANT TO FEEL CRAPPY TOO!"  I try so hard to draw that back from my mind and really feel happy for these people, and so far I've met with mixed success. 

My friend who also struggled with infertility had her baby this weekend.  It's really the first time I've held a newborn, and the first time in more than a year and a half that I've held a baby at all.  I just felt as though I'd never have one, and the idea of hold someone else's was hard for me.  I've also avoided friends who had babies or who were pregnant.  (one friend I've not seen in a year because of it, but I was at least honest with her about why.

Something happened when I held this baby.  I realized that I was supposed to be a mother, and this is a great opportunity to be around a baby to learn more about them.  I would have stolen this one if I had a chance, but I think my friend would have noticed.  (And I was asked to show my purse on the way out to make sure I didn't steal a baby, thankfully I didn't.  I would have been busted.) 

It's hard at times, because when I meet up with the in-laws sometimes they talk about how excited they are to be grandparents (and they will be great ones!) and part of my heart sinks a bit.  I'm not sure if they understand how hard this is for me to walk through, alone.  Jon is here, but it's not quite the same, and he is so loving and understanding.  (Especially with my hot flashes, frigid bedrooms because of it, and huge mood swings.  Also, this past couple of months I've had debilitating cramping right around Ovulation and also about a week before hand.)  However loving he is, I'm not sure he can fully understand what I'm going through. 

I've also been forced to examine what role my father will have in this future child's life.  As time has gone on, I've felt very settled and my heart is finally at peace with this lack of communication that has developed between us.  The one thing that kept me from accepting in the past this is the fact that he might not exactly know what he has done to cause this lack of communication... however, with a recent visit from an uncle, he told me what my father had said, and at least the main details were very clear to my father (though my father shouldn't have shared them with my uncle AT ALL, due to the intensely personal nature of why we don't speak anymore.) 

I just don't know if I trust him.  He's kept a lot of things from me, and he also has blatantly rejected me from his home when I was going through a very tough time and acting out because of it.  He grabbed onto a loophole which allowed him not to provide child support and not continue with me on his insurance. (Which we didn't find out until I was trying to register for my wisdom teeth extraction.)  My mother worked 4 jobs to help me get through college, scrimping and saving at every turn, stressing about how to make it from month to month.  Since my mid-teen years, I've felt like an afterthought to him, an inconvenience, and he is the parent.  He needed to initiate the relationship building, where I've always done this.  Since deciding not to, our relationship has gone down to nothing more than random texts on my birthday. 

I've constantly felt unwanted and my feelings have been dismissed.  If I can't trust him with myself, surely I couldn't trust him with a baby.  What I struggle with is continuing the pattern of lack of father roles in my family.  His father also rejected their family.  Ironically, my father has tried to keep me from contact with his father because he doesn't want me to get hurt.  Ironic, as he is doing the same thing, being hurtful to his daughter.  One of the examples of this was detailed in passing as my father put up a picture of a Nascar race he went to stating "great to spend time with my sons."    He doesn't have sons.  He has a stepson, and a son in law.  He DOES have a daughter that he has neglected for years.

So, do I continue this cycle?  I think out of self preservation to protect myself and my husband and my future children it is warranted.  When they are grown, and are able to ask about their grandfather, I will not keep them from contacting him, but will not encourage it either.  They will know all the details and they will need to decide what's right for them.

For any of you still with me, thank you for reading.  I suppose this has always wanted to be said on my blog, so there it is.  Moving forward.

So, I'm firmly in the 2 week wait this time.  I've decided to wait to share any possible pregnancy test results from here until I have a FOR SURE answer.  I will update you with that detail when I'm ready to share it.  You'll hear from me if it's a for sure negative... but the more I think about it, the more I really want to wait to share any news until I'm firmly in the end of the 1st trimester.  I also have family reading this blog, and it would be horrible for them to find out here, rather than from me. 

Congrats to all of you that I've needed to move over from the "Infertility" Tab to my "Kids" tab on my Google Reader!  Though I wish I was joining you, I'm thrilled for each any every one of you.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Going Postal.

Well, not really.  But, sadly, my chance for this cycle came to an end.  I had a couple of faint positives, and word from the dr is that my Hcg was enough to know that it probably was fertilized, but didn't implant. 
I suppose that's a step in the right direction.

I will now take this opportunity to talk about my frustration with the medical profession as a whole.
*Disclaimer- I really like my current RE and her staff.  Dr and Nurse Awesome are fabulous. 

1.  I had a horrible OB/GYN over at Providence St. Vincent (same place that Dr Awesome is at though) who was completely not helpful and downplayed the idea that my irregular cycles WERE NOT NORMAL.

2.  Another OB/GYN (who's only redeeming quality was refering me to Dr Awesome and starting me on Clomid.)  Since then, she's been miscoding my visits, costing us thousands of dollars, and wants to see me monthly to renew my sleep medication though I've been taking it for years now.  I think the only reason is to charge us more.  Do Drs Have billable hours even if they are in a group?  She is coding our visits as infertility because that's the word I used when I had my first appt.  But really, the cause was irregular periods, not infertility.  She said that was the main reason I was there (infertility) thus I was being billed that way.  My husband makes a point that if I came in there because I was concerned about cancer, woudl I billed for treatment of cancer?  Sigh.

What a shit show.

What makes me so frustrated is that I can't seem to get what I need when I need it.  I really am a nice girl, until you try to screw with me.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Is this month the month?

The past few days have been riddled with outward signs that we might have hit the jackpot.  Let's Recap.

1.  I spend more time peeing than I do basically doing anything else. 
Could be that I'm drinking an absurd amount of liquids, but I don't think I am. (I swear, I just went 20 minutes ago, and I have to go AGAIN!) Side note, I peed twice during the writing of this blog entry.

2.  Weird foods (and weird amounts of foods) are crossing my mind as delicious.
Mostly though, I've been eating like a horse, and like it's going out of style.  I need an offensive amount of snacks to make it through my evening.  Thankfully tonight I limited myself to a large bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with Raspberries and a huge bowl of popcorn. (Which I shared with the dog, to be fair.  well, 30 kernels or so.) And yes, that is deviled eggs with soft serve ice cream and salad in the picture.  No, I didn't make that.

3.  I feel like a tank.
Maybe it's the amount of snack food that I am eating but I feel like 80 pounds heavier today than I did, like 2 weeks ago.

4.  Vivid Dreams
Ok, so maybe the world isn't coming to an end by way of huge flapjacks falling from the sky (a la Spaghetti with a Chance of Meatballs) but you'd think it was.  A few nights ago, I scared the crap out of my husband when I woke up yelling that he was covered in spiders.   He wasn't.  And he was also not amused.  (I thought it was funny the next day.  He was still sore about it.)

5. Nausea
Oh man, do I feel like I've caught a rodent in my stomach, and it's just running through a hamster wheel of puke.  I've not yaked yet, but not for lack of feeling like it!  Good times!

6.  Just the feeling
I just feel pregnant!

And so, I obsess about every little sign (and probably have psychosematically created some more signs) and work on my birth plan.  I'm not going to lie.  Epidurals scare the crap out of me, since I've experienced a botched Spinal Tap where I was leaking spinal fluid for days (let me tell you, the feeling of your brain sloshing into your skull is not pleasant, surprisingly enough.)  However, pain is something I have a VERY LOW tolerance for.

So.  I've decided to skip birth.  I'm not sure why everyone does the whole birth thing, but I'm going to skip it.  "Beam it out Scotty, beam it out."

Just as a side note, if we do end up getting pregnant, we will not be announcing it here for a while.  (Well, this is the plan, and yet, probably we will.)  But we also want to make sure that the important people in our lives hear it from US first, and not from a well written blog. (Let's also not forget the idea that twins could be in my future!)

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Two? What do you mean two?

Well, as I've mentioned before in previous blog posts, the reason I've not been able to concieve in the past year and a half is that the tube on the side I ovulate from is blocked.  We've done our very best to try with medication (Clomid) over that time and nothing has worked.

Well, this month I bumped up our Clomid dose to 150mg.  This has been a riot, Alice, because I've gotten hot flashes like nobodies business.  (AND OMG CRAMPS a week ago!) I've been faithfully OPK-ing (which, yes, this is now a verb in my life.) and had an ultrasound today.  I got a OPK+ this morning, and it just so happened that it was the same day as my appt, hoooray!

I've been getting so much better about not getting my hopes up at these appts.  With so many appts ending in "well, maybe next cycle" (as we can't use "month, because each cycle is 2 months). 

My ultrasound revealed great news!

<------ This is a picture of not one, but 2 follicles with eggs in them ON THE CORRECT SIDE!!

This is the first month in a year and a half that I could actually get pregnant.  Don't tell my husband, but if I did, there is a good chance of twins too!

I called my husband all excited, and he was not as excited as I would have hoped.  I was looking for a "WOW, THAT'S AWESOME NEWS!" (Note, I've not mentioned the twins thing, because that freaks him out.  That will be our little secret, you, me and the entire series of tubes that is the internets.)

No IUI this month, by choice.  Just the idea that I do in fact have a chance now,

Hang in there motherhood, here I come!!!