Ethan's Age

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Who Is Julia?

I thought I'd make a post talking a bit about who I am, what I do, etc, so my readers can get to know me a bit better.

My name is Julia, and I live in Portland Oregon. I'm married to my wonderful husband Jon, whom I met in 2007 when I was a supervisor at a local Non-Profit for youth. We dated, and quickly got engaged in late 2007. We married in August of 2008. I currently work for a international non-profit where I manage youth programs for school aged children and one pre-k program. I love my job very much. I also am starting to volunteer again at a local children's hospital working with kids with cancer. My job there is to play games with them, get them what they need and keep them company. I've moved from a critical short term care unit to a cancer/transplant unit. I hope to continue to build great relationships with those kids. I find it very rewarding.

My husband is a 3rd year law student. He's excited and nervous about graduating and taking the bar. He excels at details and is quite a perfectionist. He and I are going to be proud parents of a puppy tomorrow (a golden lab) named Freuhauser. (www.freuhauser.blogspot.com)

Jon and I started actively trying to start our human family in March of 2009. It's been around 9 months of trying for us, and the past 3 cycles were on Clomid. We recently moved to a 2 bedroom, so we can have more room for a child and to just have more room in general.

I'm rather quirky. Milk can't be over a couple of days old, regardless of the expiration date, for me to have to throw it out. I'm addicted to sleeping.

I'm a deeply spiritual person, who used to be embedded in organized religion via the christian church. When I was there, I saw a lot of things, a lot of spiritual things. I've seen what I believe are angels, and what I believe to be demons. I have deeply spiritual dreams. I've seen several times of deliverance (the watered down word for exorcisms), and actually been a part of one and been overpowered by the power of the supernatural. I see things still, I feel what people feel... in a sort of empathic manner. I miss being a part of a group of people in a spiritual context, but am diametrically opposed to what the 'Church' stands for at this time. I'm on an active search for a place to call my spiritual home, but not willing to subject myself to the judgment and harsh people within the 'Church' as we know it.

I've started to write a book about my experience into the supernatural. I've come to a place in my life where I am a bit more separated from the events that surrounded my time within the "christian church' and I feel as though I have much more clarity and sense of purpose in regards to sharing my encounters. I feel as though there are many youth out there within the church or outside that have no guide, no one to validate the experiences that they have supernaturally.

I continue to hope and pray for a new member to my family, and I know that we both will be great parents. I'm thankful for you, and my close group of intimate friendships that I have, as they keep me looking forward, and not back. Thank you for walking with me. I know many of you are on a similar journey, and I continue to wish the best for you along the way. Thank you to my friends who aren't even experiencing the challenges that this blog surround, but surround me with love by reading these ramblings anyway.

This entry is dedicated to a long time friend who could have authored some of these entries, but now has graduated to future mommy-hood. I love you!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Oh the things you do, when you are TTC

I'e been amused lately by this blog: 999 Reasons to laugh at Infertility

I'm not sure where this blog has been for the past long months, but I'm often found reading this, and laughing, or crying, or crying from laughing. What an amazing concept, creative humor out of this crazy experience!

Today, I giggled, as I realized another reason to laugh. I found myself timing when I would pee, as I needed to wait until the afternoon to get an accurate OPK for the day... Waiting for 4 hours, making a purposeful remembrance of when I last went...

Oh, timing, you are a fickle thing sometimes... or all the time, now.

When to have sex, when to pee, when to test. I'm so hyperaware of my body, I am becoming somewhat of a hypochondriac. Am I cramping, is that cramping? No, maybe it's the food I ate... But, wait, isn't it that time?

It ends up being that I had some McDonalds for breakfast.

In other news, my doctor needs to go back to medical school. She told my husband today that I could be on Clomid indefinitely without any large side effects. There are large side effects, like uterine lining depletion, (omitting the possibility of ever sustaining a pregnancy) Uterine Cancer, and other pleasant side effects. See their website.
She also mentioned that the window for fertilizing an egg was 3-4 days past when your temp rises due to ovulation. An egg remains fertile for no more than 24 hours.

Sigh. I haven't decided if this is a deal breaker. I'm concerned that she is supposed to deal with fertility, and does not know these basics.

And in conclusion, Jon's second SA was much better. He was able to, errr, test at home this time which was easier. He still has low motility, (55%) but has high count. This, according to the Doctor (who, we have established, has questionable information recall) averages out a bit. She did, however, suggest the proper next step for us in the idea of IUI.

Sperm Washing is probably the best bet for us. I also am not going to take my Clomid dose on the cycle I don't ovulate anyway... Next cycle is ovulatory, by past experiences, and we are wondering if I will this cycle. I'm religiously OPK-ing and charting, so if I do, I'll know.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Letting you into my world

Readers;
Thank you for witnessing this window into my soul. I want to make sure people understand where I'm at. This blog is my therapy. I'm able to dump my feelings, name them, and stand witness to them.

Over the past few days, the outpouring of support you've all given me, via Facebook Messages and Comments and Emails has been overwhelming (in a good way!) I want to explain that I *in general* am doing really well. After I am able to put my feelings here, as hard as they are to state, I'm able to read it over and understand myself more fully.

Does this mean that I am positive all the time? No. Jon will tell you that I am a wreck sometimes, and great other times. One of my coping mechanisms has been to acknowledge the fact, and embrace it that I may not have children naturally. In this way, though a pessimistic view, I am much more equipped to deal with the devastation of the end of the month crashing in.

Not only is this blog for me... it's for you. I'm starting to see more and more blogs out there facing that fact that baby making isn't always as easy as our bodies feel that it should be. To take a moment to think about the amount of women/couples that go through infertility or difficulty trying to conceive. Facts are around 17%. That's a lot of couples... but it's something that people don't talk about.

I think something that took me off guard was how personally responsible and guilty I would feel about not being able to just *wham, bam, thank you ma'am* and punch out a perfect egg, fertilize it (or Jon would, I guess) and grow a human being. Seems simple enough right?

Oooh, you are having troubles? Well, just relax, you are young! We need to be able to talk about this. Or the classic nosy work woman asking me if *I was the one who needed a 'special' doctor to help me get pregnant.*

So, what is a reasonable way to deal with this, other than blog? Get a puppy!
No really. We are getting a puppy. :)

Meanwhile, I'm sitting on CD 21. Ovulation, if it's going to happen this month will occur in a couple of days. We are still waiting for Jon's secondary SA. I'm hoping that it's higher motility this time. If we are expecting, we will find out around Christmas. This will be a great present to us, and a huge burden off my shoulders.

We still have hope, though I say I don't. I have to say that I don't in order to protect my fragile feelings. Oh, and Clomid is throwing me for a loop lately with mood swings a HUGE hot flashes. I'm on day 4 of very little sleep because of the hot flashes at night. Ouch.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

because it states the meaning of my blog so perfectly...and it balances how funny this can be.

You're 27? Don't you think that maybe
It's time you settled down and had a baby?
No wine? Does this mean happy news? I knew it!
Hey, are you sure you two know how to do it?
All Dennis has to do is look at me
And I'm knocked up.
Some things aren't meant to be. It's sad, but try to see this as God's will.
I've heard that sometimes when you take the Pill--
A friend of mine got pregnant when she stopped
Working so hard. Why don't you two adopt?
You'll have one of your own then, like my niece.
At work I heard about this herb from Greece--
My sister swears by dong quai. Want to try it?
Forget the high-tech stuff. Just change your diet.
It's true! Too much caffeine can make you sterile.
Yoga is good for that. My cousin Carol--
They have these ceremonies in Peru--
You mind my asking, is it him or you?
Have you tried acupuncture? Meditation?
It's in your head. Relax! Take a vacation
And have some fun. You think too much. Stop trying.
Did I say something wrong? Why are you crying?