Ethan's Age

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Letting you into my world

Thank you for witnessing this window into my soul. I want to make sure people understand where I'm at. This blog is my therapy. I'm able to dump my feelings, name them, and stand witness to them.

Over the past few days, the outpouring of support you've all given me, via Facebook Messages and Comments and Emails has been overwhelming (in a good way!) I want to explain that I *in general* am doing really well. After I am able to put my feelings here, as hard as they are to state, I'm able to read it over and understand myself more fully.

Does this mean that I am positive all the time? No. Jon will tell you that I am a wreck sometimes, and great other times. One of my coping mechanisms has been to acknowledge the fact, and embrace it that I may not have children naturally. In this way, though a pessimistic view, I am much more equipped to deal with the devastation of the end of the month crashing in.

Not only is this blog for me... it's for you. I'm starting to see more and more blogs out there facing that fact that baby making isn't always as easy as our bodies feel that it should be. To take a moment to think about the amount of women/couples that go through infertility or difficulty trying to conceive. Facts are around 17%. That's a lot of couples... but it's something that people don't talk about.

I think something that took me off guard was how personally responsible and guilty I would feel about not being able to just *wham, bam, thank you ma'am* and punch out a perfect egg, fertilize it (or Jon would, I guess) and grow a human being. Seems simple enough right?

Oooh, you are having troubles? Well, just relax, you are young! We need to be able to talk about this. Or the classic nosy work woman asking me if *I was the one who needed a 'special' doctor to help me get pregnant.*

So, what is a reasonable way to deal with this, other than blog? Get a puppy!
No really. We are getting a puppy. :)

Meanwhile, I'm sitting on CD 21. Ovulation, if it's going to happen this month will occur in a couple of days. We are still waiting for Jon's secondary SA. I'm hoping that it's higher motility this time. If we are expecting, we will find out around Christmas. This will be a great present to us, and a huge burden off my shoulders.

We still have hope, though I say I don't. I have to say that I don't in order to protect my fragile feelings. Oh, and Clomid is throwing me for a loop lately with mood swings a HUGE hot flashes. I'm on day 4 of very little sleep because of the hot flashes at night. Ouch.


  1. Good luck with this cycle! and btw, Clomid played terrible tricks on my emotions, and thus far my ivf meds haven't even been that bad! And I can relate on the hot flashes, I went through them all summer!

  2. I finally figured out how to comment in the new format. :D

    I'm so glad you've been receiving lots of support, and that you're a voice of awareness about infertility. I remember the first time I was told 1 in 6 couples struggled - it was overwhelming. I remember my doctor saying, "Couples with absolutely no physical issues with conception regularly take about 6 months to conceive."

    Most people just have NO idea how difficult it can be, because of how very many unintentional pregnancies happen. People think it's the easiest thing in the world! But it's not - it's chance, even if everything's a-ok. So when there's a genuine issue, it's very hard to face it.

    But I have every faith the both of you will get through this!

  3. Ugg those hot fashes totally suck. I really hope this cycle brings you a beautiful BFP! *hugs* I'm rooting for you sweetie!