Ethan's Age

Friday, November 13, 2009

Crashing Down Again

Well, like clockwork of two cycles ago, Day 39 has proved to be the day of my pregnancy demise.

I'd like to say that I'm not devastated, that I don't really care. I mean shit, it's now been since March since we started trying. Wow, officially 8 months now. Why is this such a hard thing to accomplish, and why do so many who "don't want a kid" get one? Part of me wants to say "fuck it all" and give up trying. Trying itself is a very well, trying, experience. I don't know how many more months I can do this emotional strain that's happening. I am very quickly going crazy and feeling depressed.

But I am. I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm upset and I don't really know how to show it. So, here I sit, on a Friday night spending time within my own mind. I'm horrible at expressing my feelings aloud, so I am fighting back tears to try to appear strong. I have so many emotions, and I just can't express them to anyone.

Thankfully, since late high school, I've journaled. I started on paper, and moved to the internet. This is where I discovered my addiction to commas and layouts. This is where I found I'm not alone. People who I never thought I'd be able to talk to are now standing beside me, and I've learned who my true friends are.

I want to thank all of you who are journeying with me. Even when I feel alone, I know people are at least reading my thoughts. Maybe you are going through the same feelings and you can relate... Maybe you aren't and you are just interested.

Whatever it is that you find in this little ole blog, I appreciate you.

7 comments:

  1. I know this is really, really hard. So hard that you just can't explain it to someone who's never been through it. For me, the first year was the hardest (because after the first year the doc figured out why I wasn't getting PG). I found this to be true for a friend of mine as well. So hang in there. I think all IF women have different points at which they can't take anymore trying. But from my own experience, I hung on for 2 years and finally got PG (thank the Lord) and I can say that all the pain and frustration was worth it. Good luck, honey.

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  2. I can totally relate. Nothing is more heartbreaking, as it's so out of our control. It's hard to feel so powerless.

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  3. I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work. For me, when it finally worked, I was like, "Why this one? What was different about this one???" It's just the way it is. For some reason one cycle just works. In the meantime, I hated every pregnant friend (and did so many really need to get pregnant at the same time???) and I felt awful. It is such a roller coaster the whole month. So hopeful that the next one is "the one" for you!

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  4. I so know how you feel sweetie...hang in there, we are all here for you! xoxo

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  5. I'm sorry julia. This is not fair at all. I believe everything happens for a reason, I dont know the reason for this one.
    Just know you have me as your fiend any time you need, I dont know what I can offer but just know that I am here.
    xox

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  6. Thank you everyone. Everything happens for a reason, I just hope this happens soon.

    This baby is SO wanted, and when I'm finally blessed with a baby in the oven, I will be so thankful and happy!

    In the meantime, it gives me time to lose weight and continue to be healthy, so life is good... with rocky parts along the way.

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