Ethan's Age

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The 2WW

Time seems to go fast, unless you are watching time like a hawk. I'm now 10DPO, and a few HPT's less. The 2 Week Wait is unusually long for me this month, knowing that we had all the tools to get it right this time.

Do I feel pregnant? Yes... Does this mean anything? Probably not? I am slowly turning into a pessimist, as I am fearful to hope for anything anymore. I'm at 52 points on my "pregnancy signs" chart on Fertility Friend (this is the highest it's ever been.) Does this soothe my worries? No.

Even if I get a positive, who knows if it will stay that way. Being that I have received 2 Positives on cycles before that either have washed away, or have been false. (I believe that the first was a chemical pregnancy, meaning I was pregnant for a short time, and then miscarried.) I do have a small amount of hope. I keep it in a box that I specifically bought for my passports and other papers in case of a fire. It's black, and fireproof, and locked.

Jon is ever hopeful (despite him being a classic pessimist) and it's hard to be excited as he is.

I've already started thinking the "what will we do next cycle?" Do I continue on Clomid, knowing that the longer I take it, the more dangerous it is for a potential fetus, being that it won't be able to latch on to my walls? Do I try some sort of herbal remedy? Do I do nothing?

However, there is this part of me that comes out sometimes. I don't know her well, but she is looking into birthing options, exploring her ideal for having a child... setting up accounts on BabysRUs... looking into "my pregnancy week by week." She spends time on CountDown to Pregnancy. I don't know her well, and I'm very guarded to even acknowledge she exists.

The idea that I might be close to 4 weeks along at this point definately has it's ground in my mind... If I choose to acknowledge that it's there or not.

1 comment:

  1. Ahh, the ponderings of an infertile woman. What would Freud think?

    There's nothing wrong with a little hope. But try not to dwell too much on the what if's. I was obsessive about trying to get pregnant for the first year and then found out that I had a messed up uterus that would've most likely ended in a late term miscarriage had I actually gotten pregnant. So I feel like God protected me through that (and I'm weirdly thankful that I didn't get pregnant before I was able to have surgery). So you never know what's in store.

    Keep your chin up.