Ethan's Age

Sunday, November 29, 2009

And in other news...

More and more girls I'm friends with are starting to post about their 1st, or even 2nd children. It's hard to read about. I want to be happy for these people, most of them I'm convinced would be or are great parents.

Sadly, there is nothing new on my front. My latest post about how I feel is still how I feel. I'm wondering if this is the path I was meant to go on... not having a family of my own.

I'm starting to seriously look into adoption. There are some younger children (usually around 1 year-3 years old) that are foster children. I'm slowly warming Jon up to the idea, even though he was the one who mentioned adopting first.

I'm going to start talking to the DHS personnel and start to prep the idea of adopting through the foster care system to Jon.

We are finally moving, which means that we would have space for a little one. Really, right around now is when we were planning to have a newborn of our own... now that it's been 9 months of trying, I'm ready to think about other options.

Friday, November 27, 2009

2500 Hits

I'm amazed.

In the few months that I have put up a counter, I've received 2500 Hits on this website.

Part of me wishes that people didn't really relate with what I'm talking about. Infertility is a horrible experience to go through. (Or difficulty trying to conceive, depending on where you are in the process.)

I hope that those of you who have stopped by have learned something, been comforted, been amused, or left feeling like you aren't alone.

Please do take the time to "follow me." I figure that if you are stopping by my blog, you might also have one I might like to read! I do really feel great when people comment or follow me!

So. Thank you for popping by my modest blog.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

A not-so-brief appearance

I typically don't post on this blog. It started out (if I remember correctly) with the purpose of the two of us documenting our experiences through conception, pregnancy, birth, and possibly even the early years with a new kid. If you go far enough back, there are even a few spare posts of mine from the beginning (unless they were mercifully deleted by Julia). However, as our situation changed, and we stopped taking easy conception as a given, and eventually surrendered the idea altogether, it became Julia's outlet to document our efforts (and hurdles) towards conception. I am also impatient to conceive, and wish it had already happened as well, but it affects Julia much more than it affects me. The way we deal with things like this is different as well. I tend to talk more and process things verbally. Julia is more thoughtful and reflective, works things out internally, then processes and shares. The blog works with Julia's process a whole lot better than I could, and thus the blog became her domaine. I also tend to be more guarded in general, whereas Julia tends to be more open. It made sense.

I'm making a brief appearance here (then ceding control of the blog back over to Julia) to voice my feelings on where we're at. It's a tough spot. We've been trying to conceive for 8 months, but for a variety of reasons (which have been well documented in the blog by Jules), we haven't had a shot until last month. It's the worst of both worlds. We've gone through the emotional strain of wanting something so much, and trying to get it for 8 months, with no success. Couple that with the fact that we never had a chance to conceive during the first 7 months, although we didn't know it at the time, and thus every failure over the first 7 months was just as devastating because we though we actually had a shot. In hindsight, we discovered that our timing was off - during the first 7 months we stopped trying to conceive before Julia ovulated, meaning there was no possibility of conception. Last month we finally got things figured out, and it was the first time we were able to coordinate trying to conceive with ovulation. We were both excited (and hopeful) because we finally timed it right. It didn't happen.

It's hard to separate the first 7 months from last month. It feels like we haven't been able to conceive for 8 months, which makes it feel like we never will. However, we are really only 0-for-1 (since we've only had one shot at it due to the fact that conception the first 7 months was impossible due to our bad timing). 0-for-1 is pretty normal. I don't feel like it's time to give up hope, and I think the situation feels worse than it is.

Julia calls me a pessimist, but I'd say I'm a prepared optimist. I hope for the best, and don't give up hope on the best happening until it's certain it won't. However, at the same time, I recognize the fact that things might not turn out the way I want them to, and make peace with that possible outcome. That way I'll be okay if things don't happen the way that I hope they will, but don't accept that worst-case-scenario until I have to. That has served me well in this situation. Every month I hold out hope that we might have conceived, but make peace with the fact that it may not happen as soon as we'd like. I expect that we'll conceive at some point, but accept that it may take a while. If it happens sooner, I'll be thrilled; if it happens later, I'll be prepared. Julia doesn't see things this way. She openly embraces her emotions and feels more intensely than I do (like I said, I'm more guarded), and that's one of the things I love about her. Unfortunately, in a situation like this, I can see how it tears her apart.

I don't know what to say or do to help her through this. I honestly feel that hope isn't lost. I truly believe that it will happen, and actually think we're not even at a panic point yet. I wish we could just erase the first 7 months of our mistimed trying, and start count at last month since it was the first time we actually had a chance. We now know how to time it right. We have the experience and the tools that will allow us to time it right from here on out. Yes, we have some things working against us (it's possible that Julia only ovulates every other cycle, and it's possible that my sperm count is slightly below normal), which makes me feel even more that being 0-for-1 isn't a sign that we'll never make it. It may take time, but we'll get there. Unfortunately patience isn't either one of our strong suits (especially when it's something that we want so badly). I just wish I could help Julia feel impatient instead of hopeless. I'm used to working off logic first, then emotion second (thanks law school), and I think looking at the facts first, logic says we don't have to worry yet. Julia works off emotion first, and emotionally it feels like - after trying and hoping for so long - it's never going to happen.

The worst part is that I have to see Jules going through this while I don't feel so hopeless, and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish I could get her to see things the way I do and not give up hope. At the very least I wish I could trade spots with her and let her feel hopeful and I'd take the disappointment and hopelessness. In some ways, that's harder to deal with than the fact that we haven't been able to conceive (yet) in the first place.

The Sound of Settling

I came to a realization today that I may never be a mom. Or at least, be a mom in the sense of me giving birth to my own child.

The math works out to about this.

The average person has a 20% chance of conceiving on any given cycle.
I only ovulate every other month.

Now we are at 10%.

The SA said 50%.
Now we are at 5%.


The one thing I've always wanted to be may not be reachable... and I just can't emotionally take it anymore. It's placing a huge strain on me, and it really is tearing me apart.

Friday, November 20, 2009

*We don't talk about that.*

Well, here it is. The infamous SA post.

It never ceases to amaze me how sensitive this topic is. Us girls can talk about not having the right amount of eggs, or whatever… but heaven forbid we talk about the male being a cause of infertility. We place our business out there for everyone to see, and they get to go to a room, do their thing, and leave. Fair? I think not.

So, let’s go forward with the assumption that this is not an embarrassing topic. My husband, being of the rare breed he is, was not embarrassed. I hesitate to go into the details of why his experience was REALLY hilarious, but I did ask permission before posting this at all.

So, the results? His motility is only 50%. “Normal” is 60-100%. There will be a re-test in two weeks to confirm the results.

Is this the end of the world? No.

Does it make me feel a whole bunch better? Yes.

Something about the fact that I am not the sole reason that TTC has been hard for us. A weight of proverbial shame has been lifted guilt has been lifted off my shoulders.

What struck me funny was that when Jon told me, he then said: “Well, I had told myself that if I was at 0%, you could leave the marriage.”

“*Wait what?*” I said.

“Well, it’s the one thing in the world you really want. If I can’t give that too you, but you married me with the understanding that we would have them… I’d have to let you go.” Jon reasoned.

*Once a lawyer, always a lawyer.*

I assured him that even if it was at 0% that would not cause me to even think about leaving the marriage. There are many other options, donors, IUI, IVF… Adoption… Divorce seems like a silly thing. Would that be listed under irreconcilable differences? Reason? : Low Sperm Count.

I’ll be filing later today.


Friday, November 13, 2009

Crashing Down Again

Well, like clockwork of two cycles ago, Day 39 has proved to be the day of my pregnancy demise.

I'd like to say that I'm not devastated, that I don't really care. I mean shit, it's now been since March since we started trying. Wow, officially 8 months now. Why is this such a hard thing to accomplish, and why do so many who "don't want a kid" get one? Part of me wants to say "fuck it all" and give up trying. Trying itself is a very well, trying, experience. I don't know how many more months I can do this emotional strain that's happening. I am very quickly going crazy and feeling depressed.

But I am. I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm upset and I don't really know how to show it. So, here I sit, on a Friday night spending time within my own mind. I'm horrible at expressing my feelings aloud, so I am fighting back tears to try to appear strong. I have so many emotions, and I just can't express them to anyone.

Thankfully, since late high school, I've journaled. I started on paper, and moved to the internet. This is where I discovered my addiction to commas and layouts. This is where I found I'm not alone. People who I never thought I'd be able to talk to are now standing beside me, and I've learned who my true friends are.

I want to thank all of you who are journeying with me. Even when I feel alone, I know people are at least reading my thoughts. Maybe you are going through the same feelings and you can relate... Maybe you aren't and you are just interested.

Whatever it is that you find in this little ole blog, I appreciate you.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The 2WW

Time seems to go fast, unless you are watching time like a hawk. I'm now 10DPO, and a few HPT's less. The 2 Week Wait is unusually long for me this month, knowing that we had all the tools to get it right this time.

Do I feel pregnant? Yes... Does this mean anything? Probably not? I am slowly turning into a pessimist, as I am fearful to hope for anything anymore. I'm at 52 points on my "pregnancy signs" chart on Fertility Friend (this is the highest it's ever been.) Does this soothe my worries? No.

Even if I get a positive, who knows if it will stay that way. Being that I have received 2 Positives on cycles before that either have washed away, or have been false. (I believe that the first was a chemical pregnancy, meaning I was pregnant for a short time, and then miscarried.) I do have a small amount of hope. I keep it in a box that I specifically bought for my passports and other papers in case of a fire. It's black, and fireproof, and locked.

Jon is ever hopeful (despite him being a classic pessimist) and it's hard to be excited as he is.

I've already started thinking the "what will we do next cycle?" Do I continue on Clomid, knowing that the longer I take it, the more dangerous it is for a potential fetus, being that it won't be able to latch on to my walls? Do I try some sort of herbal remedy? Do I do nothing?

However, there is this part of me that comes out sometimes. I don't know her well, but she is looking into birthing options, exploring her ideal for having a child... setting up accounts on BabysRUs... looking into "my pregnancy week by week." She spends time on CountDown to Pregnancy. I don't know her well, and I'm very guarded to even acknowledge she exists.

The idea that I might be close to 4 weeks along at this point definately has it's ground in my mind... If I choose to acknowledge that it's there or not.